The baseball team in a slump

The baseball team was in a terrible batting slump.
So, the manager wanted them to practice more, and set up the pitching machine and told them to each take a turn.
The pitching machine had a no-hitter that day.

A gorilla goes into a bar

A gorilla enters a bar, sits down on a bar stool.
The bartender, not wanting to upset the gorilla with questions, merely asks, “What’ll you have?”
The gorilla says, “I’d like a martini.”
The bartender sets down his drink, and the gorilla hands him a $20 bill.
Thinking the gorilla won’t know the difference, the bartender gives him a $1 bill for his change.
Then, to make conversation, the bartender says, “You know, we don’t get many gorillas who come here.”
“I’m not surprised,” answers the gorilla. “At $19 a drink.”

Praying for luck

A loser in Vegas saw a man counting a large roll of bills, and went up to him and asked what his secret is to winning. The man says, “It’s easy. Before I go to gamble, I go to church and pray fervently, and then I can’t lose. You should try it.”
So, the next day the loser went to a church, and prayed fervently. But when he went to gamble he still lost. Very upset, the man happened to run into the lucky guy and told him he lost even though he did exactly as the fellow told him.
“Where did you play?” the lucky guy asked. At the 4 Queens Casino, downtown.”
“And what church did you pray at?”
“The Guardian Angel Cathedral.”
“Well, no wonder you lost. That one’s for Caesar’s Palace.”

The Hair Restorer

A baldheaded man asked the druggist for a good hair restorer. The druggist proudly touts a very expensive brand.
“Great,” says the man, “But does it really work?”

“Does it really work?” asked the druggist. “Let me tell you how great it works. I accidentally put some on my comb, and now it’s a brush.”

The bathtub test

Some have counseled me to go to a long-term care home.

I was not sure about this. So I decided to ask my long time doctor. So, I awaited my next visit and I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

“Do you want a bed near the window?”

Interpreting the Bible

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

Joining the Taliban

So this devout Christian man is growing old, and is apparently on his death bed when he calls in his children and tells them that he wants to join the Taliban.
“What?” they cried. But you hate the Taliban. Why do you want to be affiliated with the Taliban?”
“Well, when I die, it’s much better that one of them should die than one of us.”