Old man to wife: “Is there anything you’d like to say to me before I take out my hearing aids to go to sleep.”
A new grocery clerk in a small store was being indoctrinated, and was told, “Now if someone wants a particular item that we’re out of, suggest an alternative item.”
Later that day a man approached the new clerk and asked, “Do you carry toilet paper?”
“No,” answered the clerk, “but we carry sand paper.”
An older man was told by his doctor, “You’ve got to give up wine, women and song.”
The patient responded, “Boy, am I going to miss singing..”
What does Little Miss Muffet have in common with the Turkish President Erdogan?
Amswer: They both have Kurds in their way (whey.
In San Diego, CA, if you learn the names of the streets, you’ll learn Spanish.
A visitor to San Diego has a terrible time at first, until he or she learns the pronunciations.
One day, for example, a visitor from New York was asked by a San Diegan, “What have you seen so far as you tour San Diego?”
Pronouncing the J’s as we do in English, he said, “I’ve been to La Jolla, El Cajon, and drove to Jamacha.”
“The San Diegan said, “Here in San Diego we pronounce the J’s like a Y. It’s La Hoya, El Cahone, and Hamashaw.”
“Oh, I see,” said the Easterner, “thanks for telling me.”
“That’s ok, I made the same mistake when I first moved here. By the way, how long will you be staying here?”
He answered, “Oh, until Hune or Huly.”
A fellow got off the plane in Honolulu, and in the terminal saw a man who looked like he lived there.
He went up to him and asked, “Pardon me, sir, but could you tell me how to pronounce Hawaii? Is it Hawaii, or Havaii?” The man answered, “Havaii.”
“Thank you very much,” said the visitor.
Answered the other, “You’re Velcome.”
A blonde riding in a car with a friend, saw a sign that said YMCA.
She screamed, “Oh, my heavens, someone spell Macy wrong.”
An older gent finally agreed to be fitted with hearing aids.
Several days later he met a friend on the street, and told him, “I got new hearing aids.”
“Really,” said his acquaintance, What kind is it?”
“The old chap looked at his watch and said, “2:15,”
A Jewish GI stationed in Japan, spent months searching to find out if there was a Synagogue in Japan. After this intensive search, he finally located one, and attended Friday night services as soon as he could.
After the service, the GI approached the Rabbi and said, “I really enjoyed your service, Rabbi. I’ll try to make your Friday night services as often as I can.”
The Rabbi looked at him quizzically and asked, “Are you Jewish?”
“Of course, I am,” answered the GI.
“That’s funny,” said the Rabbi, “You don’t look Jewish.”
A group sitting at a bar were discussing how they gave up smoking.
After some discussion, one fellow said, “I gave up smoking Wild Turkey.”
The others turned to him and siad, “Don’t you mean Cold Turkey?”
“Look,” he said, “You do it your way, I’ll do it my way.”