I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom “Jim.”
That way I can tell people that when I get up in the morning, I go to the Jim.
I named my dog “5 miles.”
That way I can tell people I walked 5 miles today.
A Visiting German fellow enters a bar in New York, sits down and orders a martini.
“Dry?” asks the bartender. (Drei in German is three.)
“Nein,” just one.
Moses came down from the mountain with the commandments, and announced to the waiting throng that he had good news.
“So, what’s the good news?” They asked.
“I talked him down to ten commandments.”
A pedestrian in New York while jaywalking was knocked down by a car, and as he was sprawled out on the side of the road, a crowd soon gathered around him. A policeman came over and straighted the older man out and asked him a few questions. The man said he was Catholic and wanted a priest to read him his last rites.
The policeman called out to the crowd and asked, “Is there a priest in the crowd?” But, no one answered.
After a few moments a Jewish gentleman went over and told the cop that he wasn’t Catholic, but he lived next door to the Catholic Church and had learned a bit about some of the rites that Catholic’s have since he heard them all the time.
So, with no other option, the policeman said, “OK, go ahead.”
The fellow kneeled close to the injured pedestrian and said, “B-3, G 54, O 72, I 20………”
An excited young man had an opportunity to ride in a small private airplane. He was so excited as he looked around and listened to the roar of the engine, that he suddenly reported to the pilot (a friendly neighbor who owned the plane) “All those people down there look like ants.”
The pilot smiled and said, “Those are ants, we haven’t left the ground, yet.”
A young Indian boy asked his father about why they had such unusual names.
“Well, son,” he answered, “We name our children things we see when they are born. For example, when your sister was born, I looked out and saw a silver cloud in the sky. That’s why your sister is called Silver Cloud. And, when your brother was born I looked out and saw the mountain in the distance looked black. That’s why your brother is called Black Mountain.
“Do you follow what I’m saying Two Squaws Fighting?”
When I was born, I was so surprised that I couldn’t talk for almost 3 years.
Ny father who was born in 1902, had these poetic ways to spell 3 cities. They’re kind of strange, but funny, I think, so here they are:
Cincinnati: “Cin Cin, a bottle of gin, a skinny and a fatty, that’s the way you spell Cincinnati.”
Chicago: “A chicken and a car and the car won’t go, that’s the way you spell Chicago.”
New York: “A knife and a fork, a bottle and a cork, that’s the way you spell New York.”