How do I stand?

A doctor held his stethoscope to the man’s chest.
“Tell me, Doctor, how do I stand?” asks the patient.
The doctor answers, “That’s what puzzles me.”

The new grocery clerk

A new grocery clerk in a small store was being indoctrinated, and was told, “Now if someone wants a particular item that we’re out of, suggest an alternative item.”
Later that day a man approached the new clerk and asked, “Do you carry toilet paper?”
“No,” answered the clerk, “but we carry sand paper.”