In Spanish the letter J is pronounced like a Y.

In San Diego, CA, if you learn the names of the streets, you’ll learn Spanish.
A visitor to San Diego has a terrible time at first, until he or she learns the pronunciations.
One day, for example, a visitor from New York was asked by a San Diegan, “What have you seen so far as you tour San Diego?”
Pronouncing the J’s as we do in English, he said, “I’ve been to La Jolla, El Cajon, and drove to Jamacha.”
“The San Diegan said, “Here in San Diego we pronounce the J’s like a Y. It’s La Hoya, El Cahone, and Hamashaw.”
“Oh, I see,” said the Easterner, “thanks for telling me.”
“That’s ok, I made the same mistake when I first moved here. By the way, how long will you be staying here?”
He answered, “Oh, until Hune or Huly.”

How to pronounce Hawaii

A fellow got off the plane in Honolulu, and in the terminal saw a man who looked like he lived there.
He went up to him and asked, “Pardon me, sir, but could you tell me how to pronounce Hawaii? Is it Hawaii, or Havaii?” The man answered, “Havaii.”
“Thank you very much,” said the visitor.
Answered the other, “You’re Velcome.”

The new hearing aids

An older gent finally agreed to be fitted with hearing aids.
Several days later he met a friend on the street, and told him, “I got new hearing aids.”
“Really,” said his acquaintance, What kind is it?”
“The old chap looked at his watch and said, “2:15,”

A Jewish temple in Japan

A Jewish GI stationed in Japan, spent months searching to find out if there was a Synagogue in Japan. After this intensive search, he finally located one, and attended Friday night services as soon as he could.
After the service, the GI approached the Rabbi and said, “I really enjoyed your service, Rabbi. I’ll try to make your Friday night services as often as I can.”
The Rabbi looked at him quizzically and asked, “Are you Jewish?”
“Of course, I am,” answered the GI.
“That’s funny,” said the Rabbi, “You don’t look Jewish.”

Giving up Smoking

A group sitting at a bar were discussing how they gave up smoking.
After some discussion, one fellow said, “I gave up smoking Wild Turkey.”
The others turned to him and siad, “Don’t you mean Cold Turkey?”
“Look,” he said, “You do it your way, I’ll do it my way.”

A blonde attends the ballet

After attending a ballet for the first time, a blonde turned to her date and said, “I don’t understand the ballet.”
“What don’t you understand about it?”
“Well, all the ladies were dancing on their toes. Why don’t they just get taller dancers?”

A visit with the Pope

A gent is in his barber’s chair when the barber asks him what’s going on in his life.
“Glad you asked,” said the gent. I’m flying to Rome this weekend for a short vacation.”
“What airline are you taking?” asked the barbar.
“El Italia airlines.”
“Oh, that’s a terrible airline says the hair clipper, “The flights are bumpy, the stewardesses are ugly and the food is inedible. What will you be doing in Rome?”
“I’m planning to visit the Pope.”
“This is a terrible time to visit Rome with their terrible weather, and the Pope, if he’s still in town, will be impossible to see with thousands of others waiting in line. I’m sorry to tell you this, but it won’t be a good trip.”
The gent left, and 4 weeks later returned for his haircut again.
“So, how was your trip to Rome?” asked the barber.
“Fabulous, the airline ride was smooth, served great food by gorgeous stewardesses. The weather was great and the Pope was in town. I arranged for a personal visit with the Pope, and it was an exciting experience.”
“Really,” answered the barber, “and what did the Pope have to say?”
“Well,” said the gent, “when I bent over to kiss his ring, he said, ‘Where did you get that lousey haircut?'”

How I quit smoking

A group of people were discussing how they quit smoking.
One woman said, “I quit smoking Wild Turkey.”
A fellow answered, “You mean cold turkey.”
“Look,” the woman answered, “You do it your way, I’ll do it my way.”

What Indian learns by listening to the ground.

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

“Look,” says the first one, “He’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon …”

“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what’s in the wagon — just amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, “Ugh … not amazing … wagon ran … over me … 30 minutes ago!”