Browse Month

March 2017

I hired a gorgeous secretary

I hired a gorgeous secretary, and after she was scheduled to start, I told her, “I hope you realize that this job will be temporary.”
“Temporary!” she replied. “I thought this was a permanent job.
“Well,” I answered. It might have been, but as soon as my wife sees you, you’ll be through.”

TAKE MONEY WITH YOU TO THE GRAVE

An older man who had only a few weeks to live, according to his doctor, decided that he wouuld try to take the money he had
with him to the grave. He had saved $30,000.
So, he packed up the money into 3 packages, and took one to a minister, one to a priest, and one to a rabbi.
He explained to each that when he died, they were to attend the funeral, and deposit their consignment in the casket before it
was sealed. He did not explain what was in the items.
And, so the event occurred. The three men of the cloth deposited their items in the casket, and the casket was closed.
Please note: You can set this up so that any of the 3 clergymen will be the final speaker.
About 3 months later, one called one of the others, and said, “You know, I opened my package and was shocked to discover
that it contained $10,000. I’m calling you to say that I took out a thousand of it, a mere 10% for the poor in my congregation.”
“Well,” answered the other, “don’t feel bad, I did the same thing. Why don’t we visit the other one of us and see what he did.”
So, they went and visited the third clergyman, and told them what they did.
“You did What?” said the 3rd member of the group. “You violated your sacred vows as a man of God, and kept some of that
money.” And, he went on and on humbling the others completely embarrassing them.
Then he said, “I deposited all of the money. As a matter of fact, I wrote my own personal check for the entire $10,000.

The Seeing Eye Dogs

Three friends are walking their dogs, when they pass a small cafe. One man says, “Say, how about we go in the cafe for a cup of coffee?”
Fred answers, “They don’t allow dogs in there.”
“Well,” says Jack, “Let’s tell them that they’re seeing eye dogs.’
“OK,” says Bill, “I’m game.”
So Fred goes in first. The man at the door says, “Sorry, no dogs allowed.”
“But,” says Fred, “This is a seeing eye dog.” So the man lets him in.
Then Bill goes in with his dog and again the guy at the door says that dogs are not allowed in.
So, Bill explains that it’s a seeing eye dog, and is admitted.
Then Jack enters, and once again he is stopped about not allowing dogs.
Wanting to join his friends, Jack says, “This is a seeing eye dog.”
The guard says, “A Chihuahua is a seeing eye dog? I’ve never heard of it.”
Jack replies, “ That’s what they gave me?

The Crystal Cathedral

Back when the Crystal Cathedral was in full swing in it’s Orange County, CA location, tours of the facility could be easily arranged.
One such tour started on the beautifully manicured grounds of the famous church. It was a fairly mixed crowd of shildren and adults.
The Guide pointed out all the special sites in the garden area, with names of people who had made contributions to help build the special site. After a few more special sites were viewed, they came
upon a display decorated with American Flags and lots of names.
A boy asked the guide, “Are these the people who donated for this monument?”
The guide answered, “No, this list is the names of the people from our congregation who died in the Service.”
The boy then asked, “Was that the 9 O’clock service or the 11 O’clock service?”

The Hearing problem

A minister who felt he had healing powers, advised his congregation that at the conclusion of the service that morning, those who had issues in their lives to discuss with him and seek help would be dealt with. When the service ended, he requested that those who sought help could line up along the center row of the church. A few people got into the line.
The first one in line was a 19 year old, who was called forward.
The minister asked, “How can I help you?”
“I’m concerned about my hearing,” said the teenager.
The minister placed his hands on the lad’s head and said a prayer. Then he put his hands over his ears, and said some more prayers.
After awhile, he stopped and said, “How’s your hearing now?”
The lad answered, “I don’t know, it’s not until next Wednesday.

The dumb blonde and the Pizza

I know not all blondes are dumb, but this one dumb blonde went into a restaurant and ordered an individual sized pizza with all kinds of good stuff on it.
The waiter then asked, “Would you like it cut into 4 slices or 8 slices?”
The blonde thought a moment and then said, ‘You better cut it into 4 slices. I don’t think I could eat 8 slices.”