Browse Month

August 2017

The Free Christmas song books

A church in Middleville burned down in July, and the church leaders were determined
to get it rebuilt before Christmas.
With the help of many volunteers, it was completed a week before Christmas, much to the
delight of the parishioners. A committee was formed to determine what else might be
needed.
One of the suggestions was to buy some Christmas song books for the service on Christmas
Day, and many ideas were bandied about. The meeting being held at the Pastor’s home, was
interrupted by a door bell ringing.
One of the members answered the door to find a salesman for Beechman Pills. “We’re
having a church meeting right now,” said the lady who answered the door. “We’re trying to figure out where to get some Christmas Carol books for Christmas, and where we could possibly get some at this late date. So, obviously, we’re not interested in your pills.”
“Well,” said the salesman, “I’m giving away a book of Christmas songs. Would that help?”
“Well, not really, since we’ll need at least 50 of them,” said the responder.
“I think I could handle 50 of them, and at this time of the year I’d be glad to donate them
to your church.”
“Well, then, let me tell the committee about your generous offer.”
Returning to the committee meeting, the messenger reported about the offer. One member said,
“It’s probably full of advertising.”
Another member suggested, “Well, maybe we could just tear out the pages with advertising.”
And the all agreed it would do well to take the song books, and modify where it found the
ads.
Returning to the door, the courier from the committee said, “Ok, we’ll accept your donation
with great thanks.” The Salesman went to his car and brought in the 50 books, and when the
committee members began looking through them, lo and behold there was no advertising to be
found.
At the Christmas service, the minister had the books passed out, and at the proper moment for
singing said, “Will you all turn to page 9 in our new songbooks and we’ll sing, “Hark the
Herald Angels Sing.”
It went on like this:
“Hark the herald angels sing,
Beechman Pills are just the thing.
Peace on earth, the mercy mild,
Two for adults and one for a child.”

I used to know the rest of this, but I’ve forgotten. So, dear reader, if you know the rest of
the words, please enter them in comments.

Moses planning to leave Egypt

Moses was making plans to leave Egypt, He went over his ideas with his publicist.
“I need a distraction so we’ll have time to gather up our possessions and flee,” said Moses.
“I was thinking of bringing in locusts.”
The publicist was annoyed, “That’s been done already, you need something else.”
“OK” said Moses, “How about bringing in lots of frogs, or having a plague?”
“That’s also been done, try something new, already,” answered the public relations guru.
“OK,” said Moses. “How about this: We’ll leave in the dead of night, rush to the Red Sea,
and when we get there I’ll split the Red Sea into two parts with dry land in the middle, and
then we’ll cross on the dry land and when the Egyptians learn that we left, they will rush to the
shore of the Red Sea, but too late, and the sea will close up by then and we’ll be on the other
side already.”
The publicst was so amazed, that he said, “If you can do that, I will guarantee you two
pages in the Old Testament.”

Moses and the ten commandments

When Moses came down the mountain, he made an announcement to his people.
“I have good news and bad news for you. The good news is that I received the commandments,
and I was able to talk God down to ten.”
He continued, “The bad news is, I had to leave in the one ‘Thou shall not commit adultry.'”

Adam’s discussion about Eve

After a few years with Eve as his wife, Adam had another chance to talk with God.
“I have a few questions about Eve,” said Adam.
“For example, how come she is so much prettier than I am, and softer, and has no beard?”
“Well,” answered God, “I wanted to be sure you’d like her.”
“I see,” answered Adam, I suppose that’s why she can sing so well, and loves taking care of
the kids and keeping house.”
“Exactly,” answered God. “I wanted to be sure you’d like her.”
“Well,” replied Adam, “How come you made her so stupid?”
God Answered, “I wanted to be sure she’d like you.”

Adam and his conversation with God

Adam had a chance to chat with God, before there was Eve, and Adam told God that he was very
lonely, and needed someone to talk to.
“I’ll tell you what I’ll do,” said God. “I’ll create a woman for you. She will be beautiful,
and love you dearly. She will not only love you, but she will do your every bidding with joy,
and cook, take care of your house, have children for you, respect you, enjoy your company, and
she’ll have wonderful qualities you will love.” He embellished her even more.
“That sounds good,” said Adam. “How much will that cost me?”
God answered, “An arm and a leg.”
“So,” answered Adam, “what will I get for just a rib?”

Confusion about where Jesus was born

Tom had many good friends who were members of the Christian Businessmen’s Assn.
So, one day he suggested to one of his friends in the group, “You know, maybe I
should join the Christian Businessmen’s Assn. since I have so many friends in it.”
“Of course,” answered his friend. “Do you belong to a church?”
Sheepishly Tom answered, “No, but which one do I join?”
“It doesn’t matter, there are a lot of them around here, just join one.”
So, Tom went into a church and spoke to the minister there.
“:I’d like to join your church,” said Tom.
The minister answered, “Great. First I have a few questions to ask. One: Where was
Jesus born?”
Tom thought and thought, and finally said, “Philadelphia?”
The minister was taken aback, and said, “I don’t think you’re taking this seriously. Goodby.”
So Tom went to another church which seemed more inviting.
The same thing happened there. The minister asked him, “Where was Jesus born?”
He again thought and thought and finally came up with “Pittsburgh?”
The minister was quite annoyed, and told him he thought he was making a mockery of their religion.
So, determined, Tom went to a third church. The minister was overjoyed that he wanted to join his church,
and told Tom to come to the service on Sunday and he would be introduced to the congregation.
“No questions?” asked Tom
“None at all, except your name and address.”
Delighted Tom said, “Well, can I ask you a question?”
“Certainly,” said the minister.
“Where was Jesus born?” asked Tom.
“Why, in Bethlehem,” answered the minister.
Tom was elated, saying, “I knew it was somewhere in Pennsylvania.”

The Brain

The Brain is a wonderful thing.
It starts working the moment you’re born, and doesn’t stop until you get in front of a microphone.