Browse Month

September 2017

No Movie in Flight

Some airlines, in order to cut costs, have eliminated the movie in flight.
For entertainment, the passengers just pass around pictures of their kids.

I’m losing my mind

A wife who was upset about misplacing something said in exasperation, “I’m losing my mind.”
Husband’s response: “I’m not surprised, you’ve been giving me a piece of it each day for years.”

A comedian on a cruise Ship

Many years ago I signed up for cruise, with people from all over the USA.
Entertainment night was always popular, and we gathered in a small intimate room
on the ship like a neighborhood lounge with a small stage in front.
A comedian came in and opened with his only joke that was worth while during his
performance.
There we are in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with a crowd from everywhere in the country,
and he comes on.
His opening remark was, “Any of you from out of town?”

How to eat at a Salad Bar

I was at a show in Las Vegas a few years ago when a quite heavy gent came on with
a comedy routine.
Mostly, he talked about food. In one segment he said, “One of the things I hate most
about a buffet, is to get behind a thin, picky woman, picking slowly and carefully, and looking over each item making her selections very slowly at the Salad Bar.”
He continued, “That’s not the way you eat at a salad bar. The way you do it is to grab and move,grab and move.”
Ending his discussion with, “You’ll have plenty of time to see what you picked up when you
get back to your seat.”

The best way to die

This is a true story.
I was walking to a meeting with 2 friends as we discussed the demise of a mutual friend
who died in his sleep the night before.
I said, “That’s how I’d like to die, in my sleep and just not wake up the next morning.”
One of the friends said, “Me, too.”
The other friend said, “Not me.”
I was astounded and said, “Well, then, how do you want to die?”
His surprising answer was, “I want to get shot by a jealous husband.”

A Prescription for Murder

A woman walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she wanted to buy
some arsenic.
“And, What do you want it for?” asked the Pharmacist.
“I want to kill my husband.” she answered.
“Whoa,” he answered. “I can’t sell you arsenic if that’s what you want to do.”
Just then the lady pulled a picture out of her purse, and showed it to the druggist.
It showed her husband in a compromising position with the pharmacist’s wife.
“Hmmm,” said the pharmacist, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription for the arsenic.”

An old ditty

To be sung:
“A peanut sat on a railroad track,
His heart was all a flutter.
Along came a great big choo choo train,
Toot Toot, peanut butter!”

The robbery at McDonalds

A robber is holding up a McDonalds restaurant.
“Give me all the money in the register,” he tells the employee.”
The trained member of McDonald’s Staff says, “Do you want fries with that?”