Browse Month

September 2017

A part in a play

A teenager in High School came home and excitedly told his mother that he was given a role
in the school play.
“What part did you get?” asked his mother.
“I play the husband,” he answered.
His mother replied, “Well, don’t worry, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking role.”

Rating a speech

We had a speaker at my Kiwanis Club who explained that he once gave a speech at another
Kiwanis club where they rated the speaker in their newsletter. After each program, the
speaker was given a number of pictures of bells showing how good it was. Perfect was a 5
bell program, and others rated lower could be 3 bells or 2 bells.
The speaker then went on to explain that he was looking forward to reading the newsletter
after his program, to see how he rated.
He told our group that he got the No Bell prize.

Cannibals

Husband and wife cannibals are having a quiet dinner at home.
Suddenly, the husband says, “I don’t like your brother.”
His wife replies, “Then just eat the noodles.”

Punctuation

The importance of punctuation cannot be stressed enough. It could change the whole meaning
of what is written or even spoken, in some cases.
Examples?:
A man is swimming in a pool, and the owner comes over to the edge of the pool and yells
at him. “Can’t you read? The sign over there says: PRIVATE: NO SWIMMING ALLOWED.”
“Yes, I saw that sign, but the way I read it, it says: PRIVATE? NO! SWIMMING ALLOWED.

For spoken phrases how about this? “What’s that in the road? A head?
or, “What are we having for supper? Mother?

A good salesman

A man walks into a small neighborhood market and notices that one whole wall of
shelves is filled with Macaroni and Cheese boxes.
He says to the owner, “Wow, you must sell a lot of Macaroni and cheese.
“Oh, I don’t sell much of it,” replies the owner, “but, the guy who sells me
macaroni and cheese, man, can HE sell macaroni and cheese.”

A Half a head of lettuce

A man goes into the produce section of his market, and tells the clerk,
“I want to buy a half of a head of lettuce.”
The clerk says, “Just a moment,” and goes in the back to talk to the manager.
He tells his boss, “There’s some big jerk out there who wants to buy 1/2 a head of
lettuce.” Then he notices that the man is standing right there, next to him.
Quick thinking takes place and he says to his boss, “And, this nice gentleman
would like to buy the other half.”

Curing a black eye

Tom Loaded went to see the doctor about his black eye. He got the shiner quite by accident.
The doctor checked it and said, “Go home and put hot compresses on it.”
So, Tom went home and put some hot towels on it. It seemed, though, that it was getting more swollen and black.
His cleaning lady was dusting nearby and said, “Whatcha doing, boss?”
“I’m putting hot towels on my black eye like my doctor told me,” he answered.
“Oh, Boss,” she recounted, “You don’t want hot towels on a black eye. You should use cold towels on a black eye.”
Tom then said, “Well, this certainly isn’t working.”
So, he switched to cold compresses and it began to clear up and the swelling was going down.
He was furious, and called up his doctor to complain.
Reaching the doctor, he shouted into the phone, “Look, doc, you told me to use hot compresses
on my black eye, and it got worse. Then, my cleaning lady told me to use cold compresses and
it got better. What do you say to that?”
The doctor shouted back, I don’t care what your cleaning lady says. My cleaning lady
says use hot compresses.”

A German in America

A German, who spoke very little English, went into a café, sat down and said, “Wie Gehts”
(Pronounced Vee Gates, it means “How goes it?”
The waiter yelled out to the cook, “Wheat Cakes.”
The German knew that something was wrong and said, “Nein, Nein?”
The waiter answers, “There’s no chance you’ll get nine. You’ll be lucky to get 3.”

An Italian in America

I love Italians and Italian food, so, this is just a joke. All my Italian friends
should not feel that I’m picking on them. It’s all in fun.

An Italian gentleman, Giovanni, comes to American not knowing a word of English. One day, after being here a few days, he saw a friend on the street and said to him (translated) “Oh,
Paisano, I’m getting very hungry and haven’t eaten since I arrived here. Tell me something
I can order in a restaurant.”
The friend answered, “Say Apple Pie, coffee.”
“Oh, thank you, I’ll try it.”
So, Giovanni went into a café and said to the waiter, “Appela Pie, Coffee.”
He enjoyed it very much.
A few days later he saw his friend again, and said, “Paisano, I’m getting tired of
Appela Pie, Coffee. Teach me something else I can order.
“OK,” says the friend, “say Cheese Sandwich.”
So, armed with this new information, Giovanni walked back to the café and said to the
waiter, “Cheesa Sandwich.”
The waiter said, “Do you want that on white or rye?”
Puzzled, Giovanni shook his head and said aloud, “White? Rye? OK, Appela Pie, coffee.”