“He’s like a farmer: A man out standing in his field.”
The Reverend Richard Turner cut himself shaving one Sunday Morning and patched it up the best he could before holding services at the neighborhood church.
After the service, Reverend Turner stood at the door as his parishioners were leaving as was his habit, wishing them well.
One Parishioner, Tom, stopped to comment on his recent mishap, saying, “Gee, Reverend, you really cut yourself pretty badly.”
“Yes,” answered Reverent Turner, “You see, I was concentrating on my sermon and I cut myself shaving.”
“Well,” said Tom, “I’d suggest that next Sunday you concentrate on your shaving and cut your sermon.”
One morning at the breakfast table Harvey told his wife that he had a weird dream during the night. “I dreamt about different kinds of hats all night. I wonder if that has any significance.”
Then he opened the newspaper to the racing form pages, and noted that in every race there was a horse named after a kind of hat. And, he told his wife about it, and said he was going to go to the races and check out his theory.
In the first race he put his money on “Tam O’Shanter” and won $400.
He put all that money on “Green Beret” in the second, and won.
Then in the third race he put all the winnings on “Bowler” and won a lot of money.
It was like that in every race, and by the 8th race he had $100,000 or more and won again with “Sombrero.”
But, in the 9th race with all his winnings on the line, he lost. He went home dejected and told his wife how it went, starting out with just $50 and parlaying it to several hundred Thousand and then lost it in the last race.
“What was the name of the horse you bet on?” asked his wife.
“Chateau,” answered Harvey.
“Well, no wonder,” answered his wife, “That’s not a hat, that’s a French Mansion. A hat would have been a Chapeau. What was the name of the horse that won?”
“It was a Japanese horse, I think,” said Harvey, “with the name Yamika.”
“Wagner’s music is much better than it sounds.” —–unknown critic
Plagiarism is when you steal from one person.
Research is when you steal from everybody.
Joe Smartguy fed his cat cheese so he could catch mice with baited breath.
At the time when the Shah of Iran was in the peak of his power, he had a good friend visit him. The friend, who had traveled a long distance, planned to stay for a month as the Shah’s welcomed guest.The Shah told his friend that he had complete run of the palace, and could go into any rooms he wished, except he was not allowed in the Harem.
“In fact,” said the Shah, “if you find yourself in the harem even by accident and you look, you will immediately go blind.”
So, the friend checked out all the features in the palace and the rooms, avoiding the harem, of course. Excepting that one day, quite by accident, he found himself in the harem, and immediately closed his eyes. Standing there, listening to all the giggling from the girlish mob in the room, and the sweet smell of perfume in the air, made him rethink his decision of keeping both eyes closed.
He covered the better eye with his hand while opening the other to look around as He said to himself, “I think I’ll risk the bad eye,”
Why wish for a loaf of bread when you can wish for the grocery store?
“Women are the natural enemies of clocks” –O. Henry in his short story, “The Caliph, Cupid and the Clock.”
Insomnia just isn’t worth losing any sleep over.