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January 2018

Boys bragging about their Dads

Three boys were bragging about their fathers.
The first one says, “My father can scribble a few sentences on a piece of paper and gets a check for $200 for his poem.”
The second kid says, “My father can write down a page or two and gets $1000 for his original song.”
The third kid says, “My father can write down a few words on a piece of paper and deliver a sermon from it, and it takes 12
people to collect all the money it generates.”

The bell ringer saga

The church had to hire a new bell ringer, whose job it was to ring the bell every Sunday morning to call its members to church.
It was a good job for a handicapped gent who had no hands, so he would ring the bell with his forehead.
He did a good job, too, for about 3 months, and then one day he missed the bell and fell out of the belfry to his death.
A crowd gathered around him where he fell, and someone asked, “Do you know his name?”
“No,” answered one of the parishioners, “but his face rings a bell.”

To replace the fallen bell ringer, they hired his brother, who also did a great job with no handicaps. He was on the job every Sunday for about 5 months, and then one day, he, too fell out of the belfry to his death.
A crowd gathered around him, too, and someone asked, “Do you know his name?”
“No,” answered one of the parishioners, “But, he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

Taking no chances

Little Johnnie was told it was bedtime, and accompanied by his mother and his new Nanny, it was off to bed for him.
He kissed his mommy, who said, “Aren’t you going to kiss your new nanny good night?”
Johnnie answered, “No, I’m afraid.”
His mother said, “why would you be afraid?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “Dad kissed her earlier today, and she slapped his face.”

What a difference

Little Billie and Janie, next door neighbors, had their good Sunday clothes on when they went out to play.
But, the rain had left both of their yards muddy.
So, thinking ahead like 4 year olds that they were, they decided to take their clothes off so
they wouldn’t get full of mud.
Upon both being naked, Little Bllly stared at Janie for a few moments and then said, “Wow, I
didn’t know there was so much difference between Catholics and Protestants.”

Elder Date

A 92 year old gent in the nursing home got a date with Norma, the 86 year old lady of his liking.
They went out to dinner and then sat in the park to talk.
The next day, one of the ladies at the home asked Norma how the date went.
“Well,” answered Norma, “I had to slap him 3 times during the evening.”
“Wow, are you saying he got fresh with you?” asked the friend.
“No,” Norma answered, “he kept falling asleep. I had to slap him to awaken him.”

Babies

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.

—Edgar Watson Howe, (1853-1937) American journalist

A wish gone awry

A man found an old lamp in his attic. Rubbed it, as people do now when they find something old, like a lamp, and, of course a geni jumped out and offered the man 3 wishes.
His first wish was for a brand new convertible sports car, which suddenly appeared in his driveway.
Then he wished for a million dollars, which suddenly appeared on his bed.
“Do I have to make my third wish right now?” asked the man. “I’d like to think about it for awhile.”
“Not a problem,” answered the geni, take your time, and when you make your wish I’ll hear it and make it come true for you.”
So, the man pocketed a few thousand from the bed, went outside and started driving his new red convertible sports car.
As he drove thinking about his third wish, he began singing a bunch of tunes, the last of which was from an old commercial.
He sang, “I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner….”

Two wishes

A man walked into a restaurant with an ostrich. They both sat down, and the man ordered from the menu. The Ostrich said,
“I’ll have the same.”
When the bill came for $44.45, the man reached in his pocket and pulled out the exact change and paid the bill.
The next day the same thing happened. The man walked in with the Ostrich, ordered from the menu, and the ostrich said, “I’ll have the same.” This time the bill was $40.78. The man put his hand in his pocket and pulled out the exact change and paid the bill.
The next day started out the same, but the waiter interrupted and asked, “That’s amazing that when the bill comes you pull out the exact amount on the bill. How does that happen?”
“Well, the man answered, “I found a bottle one day on the beach, and when I opened it, a geni jumped out and gave me two wishes. So, I wished that whenever I was presented with a bill, I would find the exact amount in my pocket.”
“That was a smart wish,” said the waiter, “but what’s with the Ostrich?”
“My second wish was that I would get a tall chick with long legs who would agree with everything I said.”