Browse Month

March 2018

Which is more painful?

The age old question as to which is more painful, childbirth, or a
man getting hit in the crotch, say with a baseball well hit?
The question has been answered, since many women will often say,
“You know, I think I’d like another child.”
But, you never hear a man say, “You know, I think I’d like to get hit in the crotch again.”

I say, Are you British?

An american saw a short stuffy looking gent carrying an umbrella, and went up to him.
He asked, “Are you British?

The gent answered in a stiffly pressured gutteral voice, “If I were any more British, I wouldn’t be able to talk at all.”

Explaining a good deed to St. Peter

A man passed away and went up to the pearly gates where he met St. Peter.
St. Peter asked him one question: Have you ever helped someone in trouble?
“Yes, I did, as a matter of fact. A woman was being attacked by a group of ruffians, and got out of my car to confront them to leave the lady alone. Then the leader of the group, a mean looking guy, tall and powerful stepped forward and made some challenging remarks. I bravely faced the jerk, and went up to him, face to face, and punched him in the mouth.”
“Wow.” said St. Peter. How long ago was this?”
The man answered, “About 30 seconds ago.”

Tongue Twisters

What are tongue twisters>
Tongue twisters are words, phrases, or sentences that are difficult to say because of a
varying combination of similar sounds. They can be very challenging as well as motivating and fun
to learn. People want to repeat tongue twisters. This makes them ideal for reinforcing newly
acquired articulation skills, increasing mean length of utterance, and improving self-monitoring skills.

I’ve always liked tongue twisters such as:

She sells sea shells at the sea shore.

Washington’s wash woman washed Washington’s wash, while Washington’s wife went west.

Sherman shops at cheap chop suey shops.

How about this one?
A curious cream-colored cat crept into the crypt and crept out again.
Did the curious cream-colored cat creep into the crypt and creep out
again?
If the curious cream-colored cat crept into the crypt and crept out again,
Where’s the curious cream-colored cat that crept into the crypt and crept

If a good cook could cook cuckoos so fine
And a good cook could cook cuckoos all the time,
How many cuckoos could a good cook cook
If a good cook could cook cuckoos?

These last two are almost like Peter Piper Picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Have you ever made up a tongue twister? Do you know a good one you can add to these?

That’s a good question

I once had a professor, who frequently used the sentence, “That’s a good question.”
One day he asked the class, “Do you know what a good question is?
No one knew, so he explained it.
He said, “A good question is one that I can answer.”

Who do I look like?

A husband, Harvey, came home from work one day, and his wife, Jane, told him that the garbage disposal wasn’t working.
Being somewhat of a grouch, Harvey replied, “Do I look like a plumber to you?”
To avoid an arguement Jane answered “No,” and went back to preparing dinner.
The next evening when Harvey came home Jane said the TV wasn’t working, and the grouch said, “Do I look like a TV repairman to you?”
Jane answered, “No,” and went on with her work.
The next evening she said that the fan over the kitchen table wouldn’t work, and the grouch said, Do I look like an electrician to you?”
She answered “No” and put dinner on the table.
The next night when Haarvey walked in he noticed that the TV was on, the fan over the table was spinning like it always had,
and he heard the garbage disposal run for a few moments.
Curious, he asked, “How did you get all these items fixed?”
“Well,” she answered, “I saw our neighbor, Jim, in the hallway this morning, and I told him what wasn’t working, and he said he
could fix them. So he came in an fixed everything.”
“So,” replied the husband, “how much did he charge you?”
“He didn’t want any money for the jobs,” she answered, “he said I could either spend the afternoon in his apartment to play some games with him, or bake him a cake.”
“What kind of cake did you bake him?” asked the husband.
She answered, “Do I look like Betty Crocker to you?”

An old song

This is an old song my mom (born 1907) used to sing to me. I can’t explain her tune, but you might figure it out.
It goes like this:
Oh, it ain’t gonna to rain no mo, no mo,
It ain’t gonna rain no mo.
So, how in the heck do the old folks know
That it ain’t gonna rain no mo?

Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde (1856-1900) was a British wit, poet and dramatist.
Although he died young (age 44) he was an observer of life and mentioned it every chance he had. In a list of quotes, Oscar Wilde had 216 listed,’
He was the one who said, “Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.”

He also is credited for saying,”He had the sort of face that, once seen, is never remembered.”

No,76 in the list was: “I never put off until tomorrow what I can possibly do the day after.”

He had a lot to say about marriage, the most famous of which is: “Men always want to be a woman’s first love,
and women want to be a man’s last romance.”

The Brain Surgeon

It was a community gathering at a social event. A newcomer didn’t know anyone, but he noticed a group of a few men talking
and he decided to join them. He stood with the group for a few minutes before someone acknowledged him.

“What kind of work do you do?” asked one of the men.
“I’m a brain surgeon,” the newcomer stated.
The other men shouted all together, “A BRAIN SURGEON.”

“Shhh,” said the newcomer. “Not so loud. I don’t have a license.”

The convertible

Joe Blockhead was relating the story of his date the previous evening to his friend Paul.
“Well,” said Joe, “we were parked on smooching Hill last night, when Tootsie asked me to put the top down. But, when I
got back an hour later, she was gone.”
“An hour,” exclaimed Paul. It only takes me a minute to put the top down on my car.”
“Yeah,” answered Joe, “that’s easy for you, you have a convertible.”