Browse Month

April 2018

Adopting

Mr. & Mrs. Lamebrain were studying French.

Why????

Glad you asked.

Answer below:

lower

Answer:

They had adopted a French baby and they wanted to be able to understand it when it started talking.

Buying a two story house

Did you hear about the guy who bought a two story house?
Well, you see, the broker told him one story when he signed the purchase agreement, and a second story when he moved in.

Kissing the new nanny

After an interview for the position of Nanny, a sweet young woman was hired for the job.
Her duties were explained and she was shown around the house, and introduced to her new charge, Tommy, 5 years old.
When it was bedtime for Tommy, Mommy and the new nanny accompanied him to his bedroom. After kissing his mommy goodnight,
his mother asked Tommy, “Aren’t you going to kiss your new Nanny goodnight?”
“No,” answered Tommy, “I’m afraid.”
Softly his mother asked, “Now, why would you be afraid to kiss your new Nanny?”
“Well,” answered Tommy, “A little while ago Daddy kissed her and she slapped him.”

The Bear Attack

A group of 5 hikers were walking along in the woods when they were accosted by a family of dangerous looking bears, probably Grizzly Bears.
The hikers, an international group, scattered, as the female bear pushed her cubs away, and the male bear grabbed hold of one of the hikers, a man from Czechoslovakia.
The Grizzly, as the story goes, ate the man up in short order as one of the other hikers watched from behind a tree.
After the bears and their cubs left the area, the other 3 hikers returned and asked what happened.
“Well, it was quite a scene,” said the witness, but the bears have gone.”
“Well, then,” asked the others. Where’s Stanislaw?”
The witness said, “The Czech is in the male.”

Silly questions asked by lawyers

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Johnson at St. Luke’s Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Johnson was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

There are many like this, and if I find some, I’ll add them here.

Billing hours

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, “I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?”

St. Peter replied, “Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!”

Spoonerisms

Some of you may be familiar with Spoonerisms, but I dare say that many of you may not be.
According to Wikipedia, A spoonerism is an error in speech in which corresponding consonants, vowels, or morphemes are switched between two words in a phrase.
According to an account by:
Martin Chilton, culture editor
29 AUGUST 2015
The Reverend William Archibald Spooner was born in London on July 22, 1844. He was an albino and suffered defective eyesight, and it is thought that this caused some of his verbal confusions which were later dubbed “spoonerisms”. These included “it is kisstomary to cuss the bride”.

Spooner, who died on August 29, 1930, was an Anglican priest, scholar and writer. He studied at New College, Oxford, before lecturing there for 60 years, in history, philosophy and divinity.

He was apparently an amiable, kind and hospitable man, though absent-minded. He also had a keen intellect, which is where his problems began. His tongue barely kept up with his thought processes, resulting in an unintentional interchange of sounds, producing a phrase with a meaning entirely different from the one intended. That is what is now called a spoonerism.

The more agitated the good Reverend became, the more acute the manifestation of sound switching. There are a number of well substantiated oddities of a more subtle kind:

SPOONERISMS (CLAIMED TO HAVE BEEN HEARD):

• “Blushing crow” for “crushing blow.”
• “The Lord is a shoving leopard” (Loving shepherd).
• “A well-boiled icicle” for “well-oiled bicycle.”
• “I have in my bosom a half-warmed fish” (for half-formed wish), supposedly said in a speech to Queen Victoria.
• A toast to “our queer old dean” instead of to “our dear old Queen.”
• Upon dropping his hat: “Will nobody pat my hiccup?”
• Paying a visit to a college official: “Is the bean dizzy?”
• When our boys come home from France, we will have the hags flung out.
• Addressing farmers as “ye noble tons of soil”.
• “You have tasted a whole worm” (to a lazy student).
• And, the classic: “Mardon me padom, you are occupewing my pie. May I sew you to another sheet?”
‎Others have been known to use spoonerisms, unexpectedly, of course:
The most famous one was when Harry Von Zell, a well-known announcer, was introducing former president Herbert Hoover, and introduced him as Hoobert Heever.
When we lived in the San Fernando Valley, CA, my own wife made an opening statement to a group of women by saying,
“Welcome to the Fan Sernando Valley.”
I even once said, referring to the Lumber Liquidaters. as the “Liquid Lumberdaters.”
I’m sure you have heard someone use a spoonerism, or maybe even you have yourself.

The Beer Convention

A world Brewery Convention was held in the U.S. and the CEOs of the biggest breweries in the free world were invited.
At the end of the day of meetings and speakers, the CEOs met in the bar to relax.
The CEO of Fosters Brewery said, “In Stralia we produce the finest beer in the world, so, pour me Fosters.”
The American CEO of Budweiser said, “In the USofA we are known as the King of Beers because we are the brewers of the greatest Beer in the World. So order me a Bud.”
The Dutchman, Chief of Grolsh, say that “We make the best beer, so order me a Grolsh.”
Next was the chief of Guiness, who steps up and stuns the group by ordering a Coke with Ice.
The group stares at him aghast, and he sees they are asking why he ordered a coke.
The CEO of Guiness looks at them and says, “Well, if you lot aren’t drinking. I won’t either.”