Browse Month

May 2018

Divorce grounds

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car..”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”

Marriage and lunch with friends

Two gentlemen and talking about marriage, and the problem of selecting the right one to spend the rest of your life with.
One of them suggested that choosing a spouse is similar to having lunch with friends.
“What do you mean?” asked the first man.
“Well, when you’re out to lunch with friends, when everyone is served, you look to see what they ordered, and wish you got what they got.”

births in the family

Little Mary (about 8 tears old) was doing her own personal research, and asked her father, “How did you get here, father?”
He answered, “I was found in the cabbage patch.”
Then she asked her grandfather how he got here, and he said, “The Stork brought me.”
Curious about all of this, she asked her mother how she got here. She answered,
“I was left on our doorstep,”
Then, she asked her mother, “How did I get here?”
Her mother said, “An angel brought you.”
Then little Mary went to her desk and wrote something on a notebook.
After going to bed and falling asleep, her parents retrieved the notebook to see what Mary wrote.
They opened the booklet and read, “As nearly as I can determine, there hasn’t been a normal birth in
our family for 3 generations.”

The sponsored prayer

The family was gathered at the dinner table, and 10 year old Jimmy, whose father was a radio announcer, was asked to lead the prayer.
So, Jimmy proceeded to offer words that fit nicely in an invocation, “we should all have good health and happiness,” and concluded with
“And, this food comes to us through the courtesy of almighty God.”

Nervous and Jerky

I often would say, “I used to be nervous and Jerky, but I’m not nervous anymore.”
I’m not sure how often I said it, but some friends of mine a few years back got a pair of goldfish,
and named them “Nervous” and “Jerky,” I suppose in honor of my little joke.

The meeting

A drunk got on a bus, paid his fare, and turned to see the bus was filled with passeners.
He swayed a bit, but finally spoke.
Looking at the large group on the bus, he said, “I guess you’ve all been wondering why I called
this meeting.”

A business Loss

Two men are talking about their businesses.
One says, “I’m having a real tough time in my business and sales have taken a sudden dive. I don’t know what to do.”
The second gent says, “Oh that happened to me, too, but fortunately, my store got flooded and the insurance company paid me enough
so that I could retire.”
The first guy was intrigued. “Tell me, How do you start a flood?”

Twisting up a joke

It’s a fact that when you tell someone a joke, they will retell it in a totally different way. Here’s a case in point
that turned out ok.

This person was told this riddle: Did you hear about the dirty window? No, well you woulldn’t see through it.
The person retold the joke: Did you hear about the window you couldn’t see through? No, Well, it is too dirty.