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August 2018

the 20/20 line

I practiced optometry a long time. I had a patient, a young man, who had been examined by me before he went into the Navy. On his return a few years later, he said to me, “I still remember the letters in the 20/20 line. They are
T Z V E C L.”
I said, “That’s correct, how did you remember them?”
He said, “I made up a pneumonic for it. It goes like this: Timid Zombie Virgins Eat Chicken Livers.”

The lecturer’s complaint

A famous lecturer was chatting with an acquaintance during lunch, and was inundated with questions.
“What bothers you the most when you’re giving a lecture?” the fellow asked. “Is it when they look at their watch?”
“Well,” said the lecturer, “I don’t mind when someone looks at their watch. What bothers me in when they put it up to
their ear to learn if it’s still ticking.”

Snoring in church

A man sitting in church was sleeping and snoring through the sermon.
When there was a pause, the minister called over one of the ushers, and asked that he wake up the snorer.
The usher replied, “I think you should wake him up, Rev, you put him to sleep.”

Fairy Tales

As little Suzy was tucked into bed, she had one request of her mother.
“Read me a story,” she pleaded.
“OK,” said mommy, “Let’s try this book of fairy tales.”
And, she began to read one of them.
“Once upon a time,” she began, when Suzy interrupted and asked, “Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?’
“No,” answered her mother, “Some fairy stories begin with ‘Sorry dear, but I’m working late at the office tonight, don’t wait up for me.'”

The death of a hated man

In a small town, the most hated man died. Everyone was at the funeral, just to be sure he was really dead.
After the service, the minister asked if anyone would like to say something nice about the man.
There was a long delay as everyone wriggled in their seats, but finally one older man stepped up to the microphone
and said this, “Well, you gotta admit that he was certainly the best speller in the 3rd grade.”

The prince and the New York girl

A prince met a New York Girl, and really liked her.
They had been to lunch together, and as they were parting, the prince asked, “May I kiss your hand?”
She answered, “What’s the matter? My mouth dirty?”

1998: A crazy year in the stock market

1998 was a crazy year in the stock market
Helium was up, feathers were down
Paper was stationary
Fluorescent lighting was dimmed in light trading,
knives were up sharply,
Cows steered into a bull market,
Pencils lost a few points
Hiking equipment was trailing
Elevators rose
while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading
Light switches were off
Mining equipment hit rock bottom
Diapers remained unchanged
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel
The market for raisins dried up
The Soft drink market fizzled
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit
Sun peaked at midday
Balloon prices were inflated
Scott tissue touched a new bottom
And, batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

Stolen luggage

How would you feel if you went back to the airport a few days having lost your luggage to check on it, and found
the lost and found agent wearing your clothes?

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