Proof Reading definition. It’s reading the label on a bottle of an alcoholic beverage and trying to determine the alcoholic content in your drink, like 80 proof, or whatever.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’, St. Peter asked.
‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered…
‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the s _ _ t out of all of you!’
St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’
‘Couple minutes ago.’
A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.
“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.
“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”
The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”
The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
An elderly geologist in Germany was well respected by his peers. The admirers thought it would be a good idea that before he got too old to appreciate it, they would take him to see the Grand Canyon, and get his response to viewing it.
So, it was all arranged, and the day finally came when the old professor was standing at the rim of the Canyon.
“Well professor, ” asked the men, “What do you think?”
Studying the view, the professor exclaimed, “It’s the worst case of erosion I’ve ever seen.”
A gentleman dining in a restaurant beckoned the waiter to his table. When the waiter arrived, the man said, “What’s that fly doing in my soup?”
The waiter studied it a moment, and then said, “I think it’s the backstroke, sir.”
If you’ve heard this one before, you should know that it’s a very old joke.
A restaurant and bar located at the top of a tall building in New York, was pretty busy one evening, where two gentleman at the bar were having an interesting conversation. One said to the other, “yes, ist’s true that if you jumped out of this building, the updraft between the two buildings would bring you back to this room.”
“I don’t believe it,” said the other. “Are you willing to prove it to me?”
“Certainly,” said the other. “Watch me.” And, the man stepped up on the window sill, jumped and as the others watched in disbelief he only fell about half way down, and swept back up to the window and re-entered the bar.
“Wow,” said the other, “You proved it to me. Now, I’m willing to try it.”
The man stepped up on the window sill, and proceeded to fall all the way down to the bottom, and did not survive or return to the bar.
The bar tender wiped the area where the man had sat, and turned to the first man, and said, “Wow, Superman, you sure are mean when you’re drunk.”
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
At John McCain’s memorial service, Senator Joe Lieberman repeated John McCain’s favorite joke:
Two inmates in a penitatentary were in the food line when one said to the other, “The food here is horrible.”
The other inmate said, “It was much better when I was governor.”