Browse Month

October 2018

Money left by relatives

A man walked into the bar and saw an old friend of his, drinking by himself.
Approaching his friend, he commented, “You look awful. What’s wrong?”
“My mother died in May and left me $15,000,” the friend answered.
“Boy, that’s tough,” the man replied.
Continuing, the friend said, “Then in June, my dad died leaving me $50,000.
“Gosh, both parents gone in such a short period of time? No wonder you’re depressed,” said the man.
“Last month my aunt died and left me $10,000,” the friend added.
“That’s a lot to deal with. Losing three close family members in three months, is terrible!” replied the man.
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing! Not even a single dime!”

The White House Contractors

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.
One from New Jersey, another from Tennessee and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $9,000: $4000 for materials, $4000 for my crew and $1000 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $7,000: $3000 for materials, $3000 for my crew and $1000 profit for me.”
The New Jersey contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$27,000.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The New Jersey contractor whispers back, “$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.”

Guess my age

An elderly man in a nursing home approached a few ladies sitting in their wheelchairs.
He said to the women, “I’ll bet you can’t guess my age.”
One said, “You’re 97.”
“That’s right, said the old man, “How did you know?”
“You told us yesterday.” she replied.

The drunk walking on the curb

A drunk is walking along the curb with one foot in the gutter, and the other foot up on the curb, hobbling along.
A cop went up to him and said, “You’re drunk”
The drunk answered, “Thank God. I thought I was a cripple.”

Break it to me gently

Clem was out of town on a job, and frequently called his home to get the latest news.
One day he called, and his brother answered.
On the phone, he asked his brother, “How is Tabby, my cat, doing?”
His brother said, “Oh, he was killed last night.”
“Oh my God,” said Clem, That’s such a shock. I’m so upset, I don’t know what to do. You sould have told me something else at first, so as to break it to me gently, not abruptly as you did.”
The brother answered, “Like what should I have said?”
“Well, said Clem, “You could have said that he’s on the roof, which would give me a clue that things were happening with the cat.”
Clem called back the following week, and was asking about things. “So, how is Dad doing?”
The brother answered, “He’s on the roof.”

The Irish Cop

Father O’Connor was driving, and didn’t notice that the traffic had come to a complete halt, and thus smashed into the car in front of him.
The damage was quite severe, so as the priest and the other driver were viewing the damage, a police car arrived.
And, out stepped Officer Kelly, who walked over and also viewed the damage.
“Well,” said Officer Kelly to the priest.
“So, tell me Father, how fast was this fellow backing up when he hit you?

Selling a car

Joe Lightbrain was telling his friend, Phil, how hard it was to sell his car.
“How many miles do you have on it?” he was asked.
“189,000,” answered Joe.
“Well there’s your problem. That’s a lot of mileage. No wondeer it’s so hard to sell. I’ll tell you about a guy who can turn that odometer down to where it will be easier to sell.”
So, Joe took it there, and when he saw Phil again again, Phil asked. “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” answered Joe, “It only has 21,000 miles on it. I’d be stupid to sell it now.”

A child’s prayer omen

A father put his 4 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, “God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”

The father asked, “Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?”… The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do”

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, “God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.”

The next day the grandmother died.

“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, “God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”

He practically went into shock. He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, “I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”

He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”

She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”

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