Browse Month

December 2018

Meals in flight on Aer Lingus

Shortly after take-off on an outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin
to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful
announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a
terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened,
but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only
40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
“Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat,
will receive free and unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

“If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”

Wake up a church member

The minister completed his sermon and sat down to rest. Summing an assistant, he whispered to him that he should wake up the parishioner in the 3rd row.
The assistant looked over at the peaceful looking gentleman, and said to the minister, “You wake him up. After all, you put him to sleep.”

A misunderstanding of what the doctor said.

Don came home from work to find his wife crying uncontrollably.
“What’s the matter?” he asked.
“It’s what the doctor told me.”
!What did he tell you?”
He said I have a fish in my passages, and if I gave birth to anything it would be a mackeral.”
“I’m sure you misunderstood the doctor. I’m going to call him up.”
So, Don called up the doctor and asked him about his wife’s visit and what he told her.
Then, he turned to his wife and said, “I knew you got the information wrong. What he said was, “YOU HAVE A FISSURE IN YOUR PASSAGES AND IF YOU GAVE BIRTH IT WOULD BE A MIRACLE.”

Arriving at the pearly gates too early

Phil arrived at the pearly gates and was greeted by St. Peter.
“Tell me your name,” said St. Peter.
“Phil Shmidlap,” responded the newcomer.
So, St. Peter pulled down a huge ledger from the shelf, and began turning pages on the huge volume.
“Hmmm,” said the Saint, “You don’t seem to be listed in here. You say your name is Phil Shmidlap?”
It was confirmed.
So the disciple pulled down another volume, and then another, and finally found his name.
“My goodness,” said St. Peter, “You’re not supposed to die until 15 years from now. WHO’S YOUR DOCTOR?”

Entering Heaven

People were all lined up to enter heaven. They were in a large building, with large windows.
The first man up stepped up and said, “I’m Catholic, where do I go?”
“Well,” said Saint Peter, “you see that roadway straight ahead? Well, if you stay straight ahead on that road, you will see a great Catholic Cathedral. All the areas around it are residences and recreation facilities. Go, and be with your people.”
The next person stepped up and said, “I’m a protestant, where do I go?”
“If you follow that man straight ahead walking down that road, follow him until you come to a turnoff on the right, clearly marked with a sign. Then stay on that road until you come to a huge circle of beautiful churches, each representing a different group, like Lutheran, Baptist, Presbyterian, and many more. Go and be with your people.”
The next person to step up was a Beverly Hills type, rich, and nicely made up lady, who said, “I’m Jewish, where do I go?”
St. Peter studied her for a moment, and then said, “If you go out of this building and turn right along it’s side, you will see a smaller building with an awning over the door. Just go in there.”
“It seems strange to me since you sent the last two men out to be with their people. Where I you sending me?”
“You did want to get your hair done first, didn’t you?”

I’m doing research

“I’m doing research in my spare time,” said Joe Busyguy to a friend.
“Really,” he answered, “what kind of research?”
“I’m doing research on butterscotch.”
“Well, what are you trying to learn about butterscotch?
Answers Joe, “I’m trying to find out how to get the butter out of it.”

Entering Hell

A fine gentleman passed away, and found himself at the pearly gates. He was welcomed into heaven by St. Peter who had a guide show him around. He was not particularly impressed by the solemness of most
of the things in heaven. The only recreation was golf, which he never played before, and an extensive library, which he never found of interest. After a few days of sheer boredom, the gentleman saw
St. Peter, and ran up to ask him a question.
“Pardon me for being a bit surprised about the limited number of activities here in heaven, but I am a bit taken aback about it,” he said.
“Is there any alternative?”
St. Peter answered, “Why, yes. There is another alternative. You could go down to hell.”
“Oh my,” stated the gent. “Is there a way that I could just visit the place without making a commitment ahead of time?”
“Certainly,” replied St. Peter. “I can give you a one day pass to visit the place.”
“Great, when can I go for the visit?”
“Tomorrow morning at 10 am I’ll have everything ready for your day trip.”
The next morning, promptly at 10 the gentleman was taken to an elevator for the ride down.
Arriving in Hell, he was surprised to see that he had entered a large banquet room, where people were all dressed up, chatting in small groups and holding their drinks as appetizers were being passed around.
Pleasantly introduced around, he joined a small group who just happened to be discussing things of his personal interest, was holding his favorite drink and enjoying some of the canapes.
After a delightful day at the party, he returned to heaven and sought out St. Peter.
“You know,” he said to the saint, “I really enjoyed my visit below, and I think I’ll choose to move there. I’ve made up my mind, and I’d like to have you make arrangements for me to go there permanently.”
“OK,” said St. Peter. You can go as early as tomorrow.”
So, the change was made, and the gentleman got on the elevator again, and went down.
But, when the doors opened, he as totally shocked. It was a dark hallway, quite wide, with a surface of bricks, with people hanging from hooks in the walls, all moaning. As he walked along with a guide, he heard screaming and shouting, and saw torture being conducted.
Turning to the guide he said, “I don’t understand. Yesterday I entered a banquet room with food and drinks. What is this?”

“Well,” said the guide, “That was our public relations department. This is customer service.”