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March 2019

Ain’t Misbehaving??

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the mischievous behavior that was going on, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time to check it out.
 
When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. 
God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’ 
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for some time. 
When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’ 
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. 
​Do you know what the e-mail said? No?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either!

The two baseball fans from San Diego

Two baseball fans from San Diego died and were sent to hell for other sins.
It was hot down there, but the San Diego fellows were enjoying the heat, and were romping around with great pleasure.
“How come this heat we have here isn’t bothering you?” asked the Devil.
“We’re from San Diego, and we’re used to this kind of temperature.
So, Satan turned the heat up a couple of notches, and they were still enjoying it.
“How can you be enjoying this temperature?” asked Satan.
“Well we go to the desert a lot and are used to this,” they answered.
“OK then, I’ll make it cold,”sneered the Devil. “In fact I’ll make it freezing ’cause I know you’re not used to that.”
And the devil turned off the heat and made it freeze.
But, still the boys were jumping around and doing hi fives with shouts of joy.
“Humph,” said the devil, “What are you so happy about in this freezing temperature?”
“Because the Padres will be going to the World Series. All the pundits have said that they will be going to the world series when hell freezes over.”

When Moses came down from the Mount

When Moses came down from the mountain, he said to the people, concerning the commandments, “I’ve got good news and bad news for you.”
“What is the good news?” they asked.
“The Good news is I talked God down to 10,” answered Moses.
“So, what’s the bad news?” asked the people.
“We had to leave in ‘Thou shall not commit adultry.'”

Little Johnny goes to the Zoo with Dad

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo
He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.
“Great,” Little Johnny replied.
“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.
“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”

I’m Lost!

A woman, called up her husband on her cell phone, and said, “Help, I’m lost. I don’t recognize any of the stores around here and I don’t know how to get home.”
Her husband asked, “Well, what street are on on?”
She looked out from her car and said, “I’m on the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk.”

Where shall we have lunch?

A group of 40 year old buddies discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the waitresses there were very cute and were very young.
Ten years later, when they were 50 years old, the group again discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food and wine selection was very good.
Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet. and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, now 70 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was decided to meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, and it even had an elevator.
Ten years later at the age of 80, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never eaten there before.

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