The main reason people like to attend sporting events is that it gives them an opportunity to yell obscenities at millionaires.
Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
“I’m sorry, Mary, for your trouble,” offered the friend. “Did Mike leave you well fixed?”
“Oh, he did!” she said. “He left me almost a half million dollars.”
“Well now, that’s not bad for a man who couldn’t read or write.”
“Nor swim either,” added the widow.
Trixie is teaching her friend how to bowl, and showed her how to hold the ball, and how to throw it down the alley to the pins.
Then Trixie added the admonition, “Try not to knock them all down with your first throw. Otherwise they gyp you out of a second throw.”
A wealthy industrialist received the news from his dentist that his tooth had to be pulled.
Do you have something to reduce the pain of it, like Twilight Sleep?” asked the man.
“Twilight Sleep is for labor,” qanswered the dentist.
So the man of industry asked, “Don’t you have anything for management?”
dEAR lORD, pLEASE GRANT ME PATIENCE.
AND i WANT IT RIGHT NOW.
Paddy was coming out of a pub in Ireland, when who should he bump into but Father O’Brien, the village priest.
“So, what is it that you’re holdin’ under your arm, Paddy?” asked the priest.
“Why, it’s a jug of whisky, your reverence.” “And, whose whisky is it?”
“Well, your reverence, it’s half mine, and half my brother Mike’s.”
“As a gesture, Paddy,” said Father Obrien, “Open the jug up and pour your half out.”
“I can’t do that,Father.”
“And, pray, why not?”
“Because,” answered Paddy, “My half is at the bottom of the jug.”
The docent at the history Museum of Oslo, was taking a group around showing them the various artefacts, and explaining their history.
Pointing to an old Norse ship on display, he said, “This ship sailed around the known world many times and has been refinished to it’s original splendor. It is 5,007 years old.”
One lady in the group asked, “How can you determine it’s age so accurately?”
“Well,” said the docent, “When I came to work here 7 years ago, they told me it was 5,000 years old.”
Joe and his wife were walking down the street with Joe’s friend Bill.
Turning to Bill, he said, “I’m taking a course to improve my memory.”
“That’s a good idea, Joe,as it will keep your mind active as you age,” answered Bill.
“What’s the name of the memory school you’re going to?”
“Glad you asked,” said Joe, “It will give me a chance to show you how it works. We use word association. For example, what’s the name of
that beautiful flower that most women love that comes on a stem with barbs on it?’
“You mean the rose? answered Bill.”
“Yes,” and turning to his wife Joe asked, “Say, Rose, what’s the name of that memory school I go to?”
Mary Dimwit had a terrible problem remembering names. She finally located a book at the library on how to remember names, and found out that if you picture the name in your mind with an object that rhymes with it, you’ll be able to recall the name.
After committing this idea to be used, her first customer at the store was Mrs. Hummock. So, she noticed that Mrs. Hummock had a large stomach, so she thought that when she saw Mrs. Hummock, and looked at her big stomach, she’d remember her name.
A few days later, Mrs. Hummock came into the store again, and Mary Dimwit brightly said, “Hello, Mrs. Kelly.”