Browse Month

September 2019

Understanding Football

Walking out of the football stadium where the couple had just witnessed a game, the wife said to her husband, “I just don’t understand football.”
“What don’t you understand?” asked her mate.
“Well,” she answered, “they start the game by flipping a quarter to see who goes first. And, then the spend the rest of the game with the fans yelling, ‘get the quarter back,’ over and over. Why would that want that quarter back? It seems silly to me.”

Kill the Umpire

A woman at a baseball game kept yelling, “Kill the Umpire.”
As the game progressed, she yelled it over and over until the guy sitting next to her asked, “Why do you insist on yelling, the Umpire hasn’t done anything wrong.
“Well,” she answered, “he’s my husband, and last night he came home late and had lipstick on his collar. Kill the Umpire!“she yelled.

The percentage of good people

God received a message from one of the Angels that visit Earth on occasion.
The report said that 95% of the people on earth were sinners or non believers, and that only 5% of the people were good religious, non sinners, and pure hearted.
So God requested a list of the email addresses of all of the good people, the whole 5% of the world’s population, and sent out a message of good will to all of them.
Do you know what the email message was???
No????
Well, I didn’t get one either.

A problem in class

It was a third grade classroom, and the teacher noticed a small puddle in the front of the room on the floor.
Being Diplomatic, she pointed out the puddle to the class, and brought in a bucket and a mop placing it near the puddle.
Then she said that whoever did it should clean it up, but everyone would close their eyes so that the person would not be identified.

“OK, Class,” she said. “Whoever did this can clean it up while all of you close your eyes, and don’t peek.”
Soon, they could hear a chair moving, and some footsteps to the front, and movement of the bucket and the mop, and after a few moments, the footsteps went back to it’s seat.
“OK, Class,” said the teacher, “let’s inspect the job that was done.”
But, surprise, surprise, the puddle was still there….and there was a second puddle not far from the first. There was also a piece of paper near by, so the teacher picked it up and read what was written on it.
It said, “The Phantom Strikes again.”

The traveling drunk

A drunk went up to the ticket seller at a railroad station and ask to buy a round trip ticket to as far as his money he offered would take him. The deal was made, and when the drunk got on the train and it started off, he began making a fool of himself, singing loudly and saying dumb things to people in the railroad car.
One annoyed lady said to him, “Do you know where you’re going straight to?”
The drunk answered, “It doesn’t matter where I’m going. I have a round trip ticket.”

A young Catholic bridegroom wants to know about birth control

A new bridegroom went to his priest to learn about what Catholics do about birth control.
The priest taught him about the Rhythm method.
Six years later the young man came back to visit the priest.
After recognizing the young man the priest said, “I taught you about birth Control. How did that work out for you?”
“Come outside with me and I’ll show you,” said the young man.
Outside, the man pointed to his car. Inside were 3 young lads.
“There you see? I call them the 3 rhythm boys.”

The fly killer

A lady comes home from shopping and sees her husband sitting in his usual chair holding a fly swatter.
“Did you do anything exciting while I was away?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered. “I killed 5 flies. Three males and 2 females.”
“So, how did you know which was which?”
“The 3 males were on a 6-pack of beer, and the females were on the phone.”

Guess my age

People make fun of the elderly when they are forgetful. It’s the same way we laugh at what little kids say.
So, this older man in a nursing home goes up to a group of women and says, “I bet you can’t guess my age.”
One of the women pipes up and says, “You’re 94.”
“How did you guess?”
Said the women, in unison, “You told us yesterday.”

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