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bnewman

..The heart Surgeon and the mechanic

The heart surgeon was having his car worked on at a garage.
The mechanic knew him, and said to him, “You see this car I’m working on? Well, when it came in here, the motor was frozen. I cleaned it up, lubricated everything in it and now it’s purring like a cat. So, you see Doctor, you and I do the same work.”
The surgeon answered, “Try working on it while it’s still running.”

The jigsaw puzzle

A hill William was visiting a friend at his house, and noticed a strange looking picture on his table. He asked his friend, “What is this?”
The friend answered, “It’s a jigsaw puzzle. You see,” he said as he took off one of the pieces, “It works like this. The box of pieces are all apart like this piece, but when you put them all together, it makes a pretty picture like this one.”
“How long did it take you to put this all together?” asked his friend.
“Two weeks,” the homeowner answered.
“Is that good?”
“Yes, it’s very good.”
“How do you know it’s very good?”
“Well on the box it said, ‘From two to four years.'”

Mother & Son argument

A woman and her teenager son were having a large disagreement. The son got mad, and said, “Why did you have me, anyway?”

The mother answered, “Well, I didn’t know it was going to be You!”

Endangered Species Trial

Sam was brought before the Judge for killing a bald eagle.
The Judge frowned at him and said, “Now Sam, you know it is against the law to kill any animal on the endangered species list.
“Yes, your honor,” answered Sam, “But I had extenuating circumstances.”
“And, just what were those extenuating circumstances?” asked the judge.
“Well your honor, I hadn’t eaten in 3 days when I saw that eagle sitting on a branch of a tree. I had one arrow left in my quiver, and I couldn’t miss if I wanted to stay alive. So, I took careful aim and luckily hit my mark. It turns out that that eagle saved my life.”
“Well,” said the judge. “I can understand now why you had to do it. Therefore, I find you not guilty and relieved of all charges.

After he stamped all the papers and signed the release, the judge turned to Sam and asked, “Tell me, What did the Eagle taste like?”
“You know,” answered Sam, “It tasted a lot like the Spotted Owl.”

What did you learn in school today?

Little Susie cam home from School, and her mother asked, “What did you learn in school today, Susie”
The 3rd grader answered, “We learned to make babies.”
Her mother thought, “Oh my, what are they teaching in the schools now, for God’s sake?”
Composing herself, her mother said, “OK, Susie, tell me, how do you make babies?”
“That’s easy,” said Susie, “You change the Y to i and add es.”

How to become a great golfer

TO BE A SUPERB GOLFER

Three men were approaching the first tee, when another man came running over and asked if he could join them. The 3 agreed,

and they played all 18 holes. The newcomer had a poor score, but the three original players each had scores that were of professional quality.

Sitting at the coffee house after the game the newcomer asked how they had played so well.

‘”Well,” said one of them, “we are all religious Jews. We attend all services, belong to B’nai B’rith, teach Sunday School, do our daily rituals, and are active in the temple. Therefore, God has bestowed our talent for golf to where we have become excellent players.”

The newcomer asked, “If I converted to Judaism and did all those things you do, do you think I could become an excellent player like you three?”

“Of course,” was the answer.So, he joined a temple, converted and began to do all the things a religious Jewish person would do.

The 4 men continued to meet and monitor his progress.

After several months, they noticed no improvement in his game, and even the new convert began to complain about the lackof progress. “I don’t understand it,” he said. I do everything as you told me, and yet there is no improvement in my game.”

“Well,” said one of the others, “Which temple do you belong to?”

“Temple Beth Shalom,” he answered.

“That’s the problem,” answered one of them. “That one’s for Tennis.”

Calories

Calories are tiny creatures that llive in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

The Robbery at McDonald’s

A robber goes up to the cashier and says, “Give me all the money in the cash drawer.”
The well trained cashier says, “Do you want fries with that?”

I got a part in a play

A teenager comes home from school and announces to his mother, “I got a part in a play.”
“How nice,” said the mother, “What part did you get?”
“I play the husband,” says the lad.
“Well, that’s ok this time,” answers the mother, “but next time I hope you get a speaking part.”