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The lady doesn’t understand football

Attending a game, the lady said to her boyfriend, “I just don’t understand football.”
“What don’t you understand?” asked her friend.
“Well,” she said, “At the beginning of the game they toss a quarter up in the air to see who goes first. Then for the rest of the game people keep yelling ‘Get the quarterback.’
Why do they want the quarter back? I mean what do they need it for?”

You’re not just a number

A bank employee was explaining to a depositor; :”Let me assure you that you are not just a number at our bank.
You are actually two numbers, a dash,three more numbers, another dash an one more number.”

The teenager Tom Turkey

Called by his mother, Teenager Tom Turkey was being chastised by his mother for his way of life. “I just don’t understand your choice of friends who stay out until all hours of the morning doing who knows what and then sleeping into the day. If your father could see you now he’d turn over in his gravy.”

Hallowe’en Costumes

On Hallowe’en, little girls like to dress up in their mommy’s old clothes.
Little Boys can’t dress up in their daddy’s old clothes because he’s still wearing them.

Recipe: How to Preserve Children

Take: 1 large grassy field
1/2 doz. children
2 or 3 small dogs
a pinch of brook
a few small pebbles
Instructions: Mix the children and dogs well together and put them in the field, stirring constantly, Pour the brook over the pebbles,
sprinkle the field with flowers,
and spread over all a deep blue sky, and bake in a hot sun.
When thoroughly darkened, remove and set out to cool in a bath tub.

..The heart Surgeon and the mechanic

The heart surgeon was having his car worked on at a garage.
The mechanic knew him, and said to him, “You see this car I’m working on? Well, when it came in here, the motor was frozen. I cleaned it up, lubricated everything in it and now it’s purring like a cat. So, you see Doctor, you and I do the same work.”
The surgeon answered, “Try working on it while it’s still running.”

The jigsaw puzzle

A hill William was visiting a friend at his house, and noticed a strange looking picture on his table. He asked his friend, “What is this?”
The friend answered, “It’s a jigsaw puzzle. You see,” he said as he took off one of the pieces, “It works like this. The box of pieces are all apart like this piece, but when you put them all together, it makes a pretty picture like this one.”
“How long did it take you to put this all together?” asked his friend.
“Two weeks,” the homeowner answered.
“Is that good?”
“Yes, it’s very good.”
“How do you know it’s very good?”
“Well on the box it said, ‘From two to four years.'”

Mother & Son argument

A woman and her teenager son were having a large disagreement. The son got mad, and said, “Why did you have me, anyway?”

The mother answered, “Well, I didn’t know it was going to be You!”

Endangered Species Trial

Sam was brought before the Judge for killing a bald eagle.
The Judge frowned at him and said, “Now Sam, you know it is against the law to kill any animal on the endangered species list.
“Yes, your honor,” answered Sam, “But I had extenuating circumstances.”
“And, just what were those extenuating circumstances?” asked the judge.
“Well your honor, I hadn’t eaten in 3 days when I saw that eagle sitting on a branch of a tree. I had one arrow left in my quiver, and I couldn’t miss if I wanted to stay alive. So, I took careful aim and luckily hit my mark. It turns out that that eagle saved my life.”
“Well,” said the judge. “I can understand now why you had to do it. Therefore, I find you not guilty and relieved of all charges.

After he stamped all the papers and signed the release, the judge turned to Sam and asked, “Tell me, What did the Eagle taste like?”
“You know,” answered Sam, “It tasted a lot like the Spotted Owl.”