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Byron Newman

Father and son discuss Lincoln

Father to teen-aged son: “When Abraham Lincoln was your age he had to do his homework by candle light and write with p[ieces of charcoal.”
Smart Aleck Son: “When Abraham Lincoln was your age he was president.”

I happen to like drunk stories

I hope you like jokes about drunks, too.
In this story, a drunk is walking with one foot on the curb and the other on the gutter.
A cop went over to him and said, “You’re drunk.”
The drunk answered, “Thank God, I thought I was a cripple.”

What’s the plural of hippopotamus?

Two friends were at the zoo viewing some animals.
“What are those animals?” ask one of them.
The other, not sure of the plural of hippopotamus, said, “Well the one in front of you is a hippopotamus, and the other
standing near by is a hippopotamus, too.

TWO DRUNKS AT THE ZOO

Two drunks were at the zoo standing in front of the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion began to roar.
One drunk said, “I’m getting away from here.”
The other drunk said, “Well, you can go if you want, but I’m going to stay and watch the movie.”

Being politically correct

Joe belonged to a service club, and loved to tell jokes about Jews.
Abe, a member of the club as well, hated hearing jokes about Jews, and told Joe to stop telling them.
One day, Joe started off with a joke that started like this: Two Jews are walking down the street….
When Abe stopped him and said, “I told you, no more jokes about Jews.”
“But, this one has to be two Jews,” replied Joe,
“Well, make them some other ethnic group anyway,” said Abe.
“OK, then,” said Joe, “It won’t sound right.” and he went on with his joke.’
“Two Chinese fellows were walking down the street,” he started, “And one said to the other, ‘Hey, Ching Ling, what did
you get for Chanukah last year?'”

The human Cannonball

sCENE: THE CIRCUS
The human cannonball person entered the boss’s office and announced that he wanted to quit.
“Oh please don’t quit,” said the boss.
“Don’t plead me about it, I don’t want to do this any more.”
“But, I need you,” answered the boss.
“There are plenty of people looking for jobs. You’ll find one to replace me.” answered the cannonball.
“Yeah, but where will I find a man of your caliber?”

The Physical Exam

The doctor completed his examination of the patiunt and was recording his data.
The patient said, “Well, Doc, how do I stand?”
Tje dpctor answered without delay, “That’s what puzzles me.”

Applying for the Circus

A csall was made to the circus.
“Hello,” said the circus secretary,
“Hi, I’d like to apply to be in the circus,” said the voice.
“Well, just what do you do?”
“I can shoot a basketball into the basket 5 times in a row.”
“That won’t get you in, anything else?”
“Yes, I can keep a hula hoop going for 5 minutes straight.”
That won’t do it either. anything else?
Yes, I can stand on one leg for 4 minutes or more.
Well, We’re sorry, but the circus can’t use you. Goodbye,.
The caller hung up the phone and thought outloud.
“I guess I forgot to tell them that I’m a horse.”

The Japanese daughter

Her father called her to see him.
“Honorable Daughter,”he said. “Your honorable father hear you dating man who is not Japanese.”
“Not true, Father,” she answered, and he let he go.
The next day he called her in again.
“Honorable daughter, I hear you dating caucasian man,” he challenged.
“No, No, not true, father,” she replied.
The next day he calls her in again.
“Honorable Daughter, I hear that not only is this man you are dating a Caucasian, but he is also Jewish.”
She answers, “What Schmuck tell you that?”