He has a mind like a steel sieve.
A Texan touring Australia saw a Kangaroo for the first time and said to a group of people nearby, “Well, I have to admit one thing. Their grasshoppers are bigger than the ones we have in Texas.”
A lady was reporting how stupid some people are. To her waiter as she was ordering her hamburger, the lady asked for “Minimal Lettuce.”
The waiter said, “We only have iceberg lettuce.”
As one cartoon Aunt said, “I love to cook with wine, and sometimes I even put it in the food.”
Mr. Henry Quirky bought his wife a piano and had her take lessons.
Mrs. Quirky was a fast learner, and did will with her playing, and diligently practiced every day. Even the neighbors and friends admired
how well she was doing playing the piano.
But, one day, Mr. Quirky sold the piano and bought her a saxophone.
The neighbors and friends were shocked and each questioned why he would sell the piano since she was doing so well with it, and then get her a saxophone.
“Well,” explained Henry Quirky, “You can’t sing while playing the saxophone.”
I knew a guy who saw a sign that read, “Drink Canada Dry.”
He went up there and tried to do it.
John Schmaltz, the deli man, had lived a long and fruitful life, but the end was near.
As he lay in bed with his family members nearby, waiting for the fateful moment, Mr. Schmaltz
“Is my wife Hilda here?” Yes, he was told.
“Are my sons, Jeffrey and MIchael here?” Yes, they’re here, he was told.
“Are my daughters Diana and Gertie here?” Yes, they’re here, he was told.
And, with weakening words, he asked, “Are my nieces and nephews from my sister’s side here?” Yes, he was told.
Suddenly Mr. Schmaltz jumped out of bed and shouted, “Well, then, Who’s watching the deli?”
A dog from Russia was visiting in a nearby country.
Talking to a group of other dogs there, he was explaining how wonderful the treatment for dogs in Russia is.
“We get great food, lots of exercise in the wonderful dog parks that they have all over, and overall we get great care.”
“Then, what are you doing over here?” asked one of the other dogs.
“Well,” said the Russian dog, “I like to bark once in awhile.”
“Pickles are cucumbers drowned in vinegar.”
—Dennis the menace
When the twins were born, Mary Gunther went through such a difficult labor that she slept as if in a coma throughout the rest of the day.
The office sent up a representative to get the names of the newborns, but Mrs. Gunther was out of it.
Her next of kin nearby was her brother to offer the names of the boy and girl twins.
When Mary Gunther woke up, it was explained to her that the children were given names by her brother.
She was aghast, and said, “What? You let my stupid brother name my children! OK, break it to me gently, what did he name them?”
“Well,” said the nurse. “The little girl’s name is Deniece.”
“So, that’s not so bad,” said the mother. What did he name my son?”