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Byron Newman

Saving the president

One day, while giving a public address, an assassin with a rifle jumped out and pointed the rifle at the president. A Secret service agent yelled out “Mickey Mouse,” surprising the assassin, such that his rifle shot missed by a lot, and he was caught and taken away in handcuffs. The president was uninjured.
Other secret service agents went up to the one who called out the strange words of Mickey Mouse, and asked him why he said it.
“I got confused, and didn’t mean to call out Mickey Mouse,” he explained,as they pressed on for more information.
“What I meant to say was “Donald Duck!”

The strange compliments

A man is sitting at the counter of a restaurant, and hears a voice, “Nice Tie.”
He looks around and sees nothing out of the ordinary.
Then the voice returned and said, “Good looking suit.”
Now he was really confused, and called over the waiter, and asked about the voice.
“Oh, that,” said the waiter. It’s from the peanuts on the counter.”
“The Peanuts, how could that be?:
Replied the waiter, “They’re complimentary.”

I want a divorce

A man finds a lawyer and tells him he wants a divorce.
The lawyer asks about what grounds he has to get one.
“Well,” said the client, “She goes out every night until 2 or 3 in the morning, visiting bars and casinos.”
“What is she doing,?” asks the attorney.
“She”s looking for me.”

The Chihuahua Attack Dog

A couple decides that they need a guard dog.
So the guy goes to a pet shop and says to one of the employees “I need a guard dog to protect my apartment”
The employee responds “I have the perfect dog for you”, she then showed him a Chihuahua. The man was not impressed and said “I need a dog that can guard our house and fend off burglars, a Chihuahua can’t do that.”
“But this is no regular Chihuahua. It’s an attack Chihuahua!” the employee said, “Here, I’ll show you how it works! Attack Chihuahua, chair.”

The employee pointed at a chair, and the guy and the employee watched as the Chihuahua destroyed the chair, leaving only splinters behind.
“Wow” the guy said “But I still think we need a real guard dog”
“Are you sure?” she responded “Here I’ll show you again. Attack Chihuahua, table!”
She pointed to a table, and, again, the Chihuahua absolutely destroyed the table.The man said“Okay,okay, I’ll take it.”
When he brought it home, his wife was very angry.
“Why did you buy a Chihuahua?!” She yelled
“Because” he responded, “this is no ordinary Chihuahua, this is an attack Chihuahua!”
“Attack Chihuahua, my foot!” she responded

Ain’t Misbehaving??

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the mischievous behavior that was going on, so he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time to check it out.
When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. 
God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’ 
So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for some time. 
When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it’s true.The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’ 
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going. 
​Do you know what the e-mail said? No?
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either!

The two baseball fans from San Diego

Two baseball fans from San Diego died and were sent to hell for other sins.
It was hot down there, but the San Diego fellows were enjoying the heat, and were romping around with great pleasure.
“How come this heat we have here isn’t bothering you?” asked the Devil.
“We’re from San Diego, and we’re used to this kind of temperature.
So, Satan turned the heat up a couple of notches, and they were still enjoying it.
“How can you be enjoying this temperature?” asked Satan.
“Well we go to the desert a lot and are used to this,” they answered.
“OK then, I’ll make it cold,”sneered the Devil. “In fact I’ll make it freezing ’cause I know you’re not used to that.”
And the devil turned off the heat and made it freeze.
But, still the boys were jumping around and doing hi fives with shouts of joy.
“Humph,” said the devil, “What are you so happy about in this freezing temperature?”
“Because the Padres will be going to the World Series. All the pundits have said that they will be going to the world series when hell freezes over.”

When Moses came down from the Mount

When Moses came down from the mountain, he said to the people, concerning the commandments, “I’ve got good news and bad news for you.”
“What is the good news?” they asked.
“The Good news is I talked God down to 10,” answered Moses.
“So, what’s the bad news?” asked the people.
“We had to leave in ‘Thou shall not commit adultry.'”

Little Johnny goes to the Zoo with Dad

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days.
Finally, his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
Little Johnny thought to himself that there was quite a large number of horses at this zoo
He wondered where all the other animals were, but was still happy to see the horses.

“So how was it?” his mother asked when they returned home.
“Great,” Little Johnny replied.
“Did you and your father have a good time?” asked his mother.
“Yeah, Daddy especially liked it,” exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!”