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Byron Newman

Having fun at a bar?

A wife was quite upset about her husband spending so much time at the bar up the street, and insisted he take her with him to the bar so she can see what’s going on there.
He agreed to take her, so they went together the next evening.
“What’ll you have?” the bar tender asked.
“I’ll have what he’s having,” she answered.
So, two drinks were brought and placed in front of them: straight whiskey.
The husband picked up his drink and downed it in one gulp.
The wife tentatively sipped her drink, and spit it out, yelling, “This stuff is awful.”
“See,” said her husband, “and you thought I was out having fun every night.”

What crows need to learn

The number of deaths for crows have gone down since they are able to warn other crows about cars coming. They yell, Caw, Caw, like Bostonians…Cah, Cah when a cah approaches, saving hundreds of them.
But, thousands have been killed by trucks since they haven’t learned to say “Truck,” yet, to warn their flocks.

The golfer vs the pro

A golfer running up to the first tee, ask the lone player if he could join him. The man agreed it would be ok to the idea.
On the first 3 holes, then two men were about equal, so the first golfer said, “We’re pretty similar players, why don’t we bet on the game at about $5 per hole. “Well,” said the newcomer, “I’m not much of a betting man, but I’ll play along with you on this.”
At the end of the game, the first golfer said, “Well, I beat you on every hole, so you owe me $90. After being paid, he said, “I have to come clean on this. I’m the golf pro at the other nearby golf course. What kind of work do you do?
The newcomer, “I’m a congregational minister.”
“Oh,” said the pro, “perhaps I shouldn’t be taking your money.”
“That’s ok,” said the minister, “It was a bet and it’s all square now.”
“Well, then, what can I do for you?”
The reverend answered, “Come to my church on Sunday, and bring your mother and father and I will marry them for you.”

4

Father, I used the F-word

A man goes in to see the priest of his parish, and tells him that the day before, he had used the F-word while playing golf.
The priest, being a golfer himself, said, “That’s a serious, blasphemous word to use, even though playing golf. How did it happen that you found yourself in the position of having to use the word?”
“Well,” said the golfer, “I was having a great game, but on the 10th T shot, My ball suddenly veered and hit a tree, bouncing halfway back to the Tee..”
“I suppose that’s where you used the bad word,” said the priest.
“No, I didn’t say it there,” said the golfer, “but, I was in a good position to shoot to the green, but, the shot veered again, and landed in a sand hazard.”
“I suppose that’s when you used the word,” said the priest.
“No,” said the golfer, “I didn’t even say it there, because I thought a chip shot would bring me right up to the green. so I tried it, and the ball did go right onto rhe green, about 5 inches from the cup.”
“I suppose that’s when you used the word,” said the priest.
“No,” said the golfer, “I didn’t even say it then.”
The priest was shocked and suddenly blurted out, “You mean to tell me that you missed that blankety blank friggin’ 5 inch putt?”

How do I stand?

A doctor held his stethoscope to the man’s chest.
“Tell me, Doctor, how do I stand?” asks the patient.
The doctor answers, “That’s what puzzles me.”