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Byron Newman

Reading in the John

Bill came over to Max’s house to see him. After knocking on the door, his wife answered, and explained that Max was in the bathroom, but he went in there to just read because he took a bunch of books in there with him.
So, Bill entered the bathroom and was surprised to see Max reading the bible while soaking in the bathtub.
Bill said after viewing the scene, “You know, Max. That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen, reading the bible in the bathtub.”
Max pointed a finger at Bill and said, “That shows you how much you know, wise guy. I’m doing this under doctor’s orders.”
“What kind of doctor’s order can this be?” countered Bill.
“The Doctor told me,” replied Max, “to take a hot bath every day religiously.”

Marriages

Since my wife and I got our waterbed we’ve been drifting apart.

My wife is so neat, if I get up in the middle of the night, when I get back the bed is made.

I know a couple who got a divorce because they were incompatible. He didn’t have enough income, and she wasn’t very pattable.

My first wife was a religious cook. Everything she made was either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

I know a couple who got a divorce over religious differences. He thought he was God, and she didn’t.

Nowadays the definition of a mixed marriage is one betweeen a smoker and a non-smoker.

How to improve your golf game

Three golfers were about to enter at the first tee, when another fellow came running up, asking if he might join them and make it a foursome.
The 3 starters agreed and they played 18 holes.
The late joiner was amazed at how great the original 3 played, and asked how they learned to play so well, having almost professional numbers, while the late comer played like a duffer.
“Well,” said one of the players. We’re very religious (could be any religion, but in this case, Catholic.)
“We go to church every Sunday, teach Sunday School, read the bible, go to confession, and volunteer for many things, and have found that this gives us the power to play golf well.”
“So, if I converted, could I play well like you do?”
“Certainly,” answered one of them.
So, they parted, and the new golfer did everything he was told to do, joining a church and attending services, and reading the bible, etc. But, after a few weeks, it didn’t help his golf game. Even after a few months. After another golf game, he questioned the 3 top players, saying that nothing he did seemed to improve his game.
“What church did you join?” he was asked.
“St. Mary’s.”
“Well, no wonder. That one’s for tennis.”