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Byron Newman

The Indian with a great memory

An old Indian in the West some years back was acknowledged as the man with the greatest memory.
So this gent went up to him and asked him, “Do you like eggs.” The Indian answered, “Yes.”
Then, 10 years later the gent returned to the place, saw the Indian again, and asked, “How?”
The Indian answered, “Scrambled.”

I’m so Old I can remember…..

There are a bunch of “I’m So Old I can Remember…..” and I’ll tell a few here, if I can remember them.
Such as: I’m so old, I can remember when the Dead Sea was just sick.”
Or: “I’m so old, I can remember when the wonder drug of the day was Mercurochrome.”
“I’m older than dirt.”
or, “I’m so old I remember when there was a Preparation G.”
I once got a birthday card that said, “I love talking to old people to find out about the past. For example, how did you
feel when all those dinosaurs died?”
A newer bunch of these include, “I can remember when I went a whole day without taking a photo,” or I can remember when we used
carbon paper,” or I can remember dialing a phone number.” In fact, I do remember when we didn’t have phone dials, and when you
picked up the phone the operator would say, “Number, Please,” and we’d give a 4 digit number for local calls. Everything else
was long distance. and you had to ask for the Long Distance operator. In fact, my home number at the time was 2691 in Ohio.

The old group of “Shut Up” stories

We used to have shut up stories, like this one:
Boy saying to his mother, “Mom, I don’t want to go to Europe this summer.” Mom: “Shut up and keep swimming.”

or. 8 year boy says to his father: “Daddy, Can I have a glass of milk?” Father: “Shut up and drink your beer.”

How about this one? “What’s a vampire?” asks a boy to his mother. “Shut up and drink your soup before it clots.”

There were many more of these….groaners, I guess. But it was many years ago, and it’s better that I’ve forgotten them.

These are jokes you can use.

This wonderful collection of jokes and quips are free for you to use in speeches, conversations, and in essays, if you wish.
I put them out hee for your entertainment as well as a resource of good, clean humor.

The Geography lesson

A school boy was late coming home, and his father asked him why he was so late.
“I had to stay after school because I couldn’t find the Azores,” said the kid.
“Well,” said his father, “After this remember where you put things.”

The Blind man and the blonde joke

A blind man found his way into a bar, and loudly announced to all who would listen, “Anyone want to hear a blonde joke?”
The bar tender said to him, “I’m not sure you should tell a blonde joke here. You see, the mananger of this bar is a blonde,
the bartender is a blonde, two of our waitresses are blondes, and the bus buy os a blonde.”
“You’re right,” said the blind man, “I definitely should not tell a blonde joke here. I just don’t want to have to explain it
five times.”

How about the man who thought he was a dog?

A man goes in to see a psychologist and says,”I think I’m really a dog.”
“So what things do you do as a dog?” said the doc.
“Well, I love to chase cars, and I bark when someone comes to our door,
and I just love dog food. Not only that but I can chew on an old bone for hours
at a time.”
The doctor said, “This sounds serious. Please lie down on the couch.”
The man/dog responded, “Oh, I’m not allowed on the couch.”

About the man who thought he was a chicken

A gentleman went in to see a psychiatrist and said, “My uncle thinks he’s a chicken. Do you think you can help him?”
“Of course,” said the psychiatrist. “How long has this condition been going on?”
The visitor said, “Three years.”
“Oh my gosh,” said the doctor. Whey didn’t you seek help sooner?”
“Well,” said the gentleman, “to be frank, we needed the eggs.”

An old time little rhyme

My mother was born in 1907, and spent a lot of her early years in Richmond, VA. One of the little rhymes she rememered
was this little ditty.
“I eat my peas with honey. I’ve done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny, but it keeps them on the knife.”

An Irish Joke: Fishing in a puddle

An Irish gentleman was on his way into his favorite pub, when he saw an unbelievable sight.
A man was holding a fishing pole with the hook in a puddle of water from the early morning rain that day.
Thinking to himself, “That poor old fellow needs some help. He obviously thinks there are fish in that puddle. I think
I’ll invite him in for a drink and talk to him a bit and help him get to thinking about what he was doing.”
So, he invited the old gent into the pub with him.
After a few minutes of sipping from their pint, the host said to the man, “I saw you fishing out in front of the pub.
Did you catch anything?”
“Yes,” answered the old fellow. “You’re the 4th.”