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Byron Newman

Marriages

Since my wife and I got our waterbed we’ve been drifting apart.

My wife is so neat, if I get up in the middle of the night, when I get back the bed is made.

I know a couple who got a divorce because they were incompatible. He didn’t have enough income, and she wasn’t very pattable.

My first wife was a religious cook. Everything she made was either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

I know a couple who got a divorce over religious differences. He thought he was God, and she didn’t.

Nowadays the definition of a mixed marriage is one betweeen a smoker and a non-smoker.

How to improve your golf game

Three golfers were about to enter at the first tee, when another fellow came running up, asking if he might join them and make it a foursome.
The 3 starters agreed and they played 18 holes.
The late joiner was amazed at how great the original 3 played, and asked how they learned to play so well, having almost professional numbers, while the late comer played like a duffer.
“Well,” said one of the players. We’re very religious (could be any religion, but in this case, Catholic.)
“We go to church every Sunday, teach Sunday School, read the bible, go to confession, and volunteer for many things, and have found that this gives us the power to play golf well.”
“So, if I converted, could I play well like you do?”
“Certainly,” answered one of them.
So, they parted, and the new golfer did everything he was told to do, joining a church and attending services, and reading the bible, etc. But, after a few weeks, it didn’t help his golf game. Even after a few months. After another golf game, he questioned the 3 top players, saying that nothing he did seemed to improve his game.
“What church did you join?” he was asked.
“St. Mary’s.”
“Well, no wonder. That one’s for tennis.”