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Funny Jokes

The fortune teller

A women went in to visit a fortune teller.
As the crystal ball shown bright and the seer kept moaning, she finally turned to her visitor and talked about what she learned.
“Your husband will meet disaster, and will die a horrible death. Prepare yourself, my dear.
The woman thought for a moment and then said, “Will I be convicted?”

The prisoner’s time off

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. “Gosh, I’d really like to help you…” He told the warden, “but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!”

Dead people don’t bleed

A man visiting a doctor at his office was told to wait in room 3 until the doctor was free to see him.
When the doctor came into the room ,he asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man answered, “Nothing, really, you see, I’m dead.”
The surprised doctor replied, “I am surprised to hear that,” as he slyly reached for a needle.
Then the doctor said, “You know,dead people don’t bleed,” and with that he poked the needle into a vessel in his hand. Needless to say, blood began spurting out.
The man looked at the spurting blood and said, “How about that?? Dead people do bleed.”

In Beverly Hills

One day on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, a homeless man approached a stylish Beverly Hills Matron and
said, “Hey, Lady. I haven’t eaten for 3 days.”
The woman looked at the man and said, “Jeeze, I sure wish I had your willpower.”

The blonde and the Ventriloquist

A blonde was attending a ventriloquist’s performance with a small crowd.
During the performance, the dummy told a blond joke, which caused the blonde to become outraged.
She jumped up and began yelling, “I resent that joke, Blondes are not stupid. Some are college professors, doctors, and business leaders. There’s no reason to cast aspersions on all blondes.”
The ventriloquist said, “Gee, I’m sorry if you were offended with that joke. It was all in fun, and not meant to be taken seriously.”
The blonde responded, “I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee.”

The barber’s advice

Speaking of barber shops, another man was getting his hair cut as they were having a conversation
“Are you planning any trips?” asked the barber.
“Yes,” the client answered, “As a matter pf fact. I’m leaving for Italy tomorrow.”

“What airline will you be using?” “I’m flying on Air italia,” he answered.
“That’s terrible,” said the barber, “They are awful. They are always late, fly erratically, and the food is inedible. Not only that the stewardesses are ugly.” Then he asked, “What will you be planning on doing while there?”
“Well,” answered the man, “I’m going to the Vatican to visit the Pope.”
The barber snorted, “You’ll have little chance to see the Pope, ’cause he’ll probably be at his summer quarters, and if by chance he is at the Vatican, there will be huge crowds all trying to see him.”
The client then paid the barber and left.
A month later he returned to the barber shop for another haircut.
“So,” said the barber.”How was your trip?”
“It was great. The flight on Air Italia was on time, the food was delicious and served by gorgeous stewardesses, and the plane even landed early. When I went to the Vatican, there were no crowds, I went in to see the Pope in a few minutes, and had the opportunity to kiss his ring.”
“Did the Pope say anything to you?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact, as I bent down to kiss his ring he asked me, ‘Where did you get that lousy haircut?'”

In the Barbershop

A man was called by the barber, “It’s your turn.” So getting comfortable on the chair, and as the barber draped him with a cover, The man gave instructions about his haircut. “I want a Gary Cooper haircut.”
The barber replied, “Yes sir, I’m familiar with that,” and proceeded with the haircut as his client dozed off and slept during the entire procedure.
When the barber was done, he woke the man up and handed him a mirror. The client was aghast, as he saw he was completely bald, and screamed at the barber. “You idiot,” he yelled, “don’t you know who Gary Cooper is?”
“Of course I know who Gary Cooper is,” shouted the barber. “I saw him 3 times in ‘The King and I.”

Where are You?

A woman called her husband from her car, and said, “I think I’m lost.”
“Where are you? Check the street signs.”
“OK” she said, “I’m on the corner of Walk and Don’t walk”