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Funny Jokes

Calories

Calories are tiny creatures that llive in your closet and sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night.

The Robbery at McDonald’s

A robber goes up to the cashier and says, “Give me all the money in the cash drawer.”
The well trained cashier says, “Do you want fries with that?”

I got a part in a play

A teenager comes home from school and announces to his mother, “I got a part in a play.”
“How nice,” said the mother, “What part did you get?”
“I play the husband,” says the lad.
“Well, that’s ok this time,” answers the mother, “but next time I hope you get a speaking part.”

TWO CANNIBALS AT DINNER

A Husband and wife couple are having a quiet dinner at home.
In the middle of everything, the husbands says, “You know, I don’t like your brother.”
The wife answers, “Well then, “Just eat the noodles.”

Riddles

Note: Some people think riddles are jokes. They may be funny, but then they’re funny riddles.
How about this one:
What is red, yellow,yellow, green, blue, black, orange brown, purple and gray?

: Answer: elephant holding a box of crayons.

Use the word Fascinate in a sentence

The teacher asked the children to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly raised her hand and said, My family went to visit my grandfather’s farm, and we saw all the sheep he had. It was fascinating.”

No Molly, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate.

Caroline raised her hand and said, “My family went to New York City and I was fascinated.”

That was good, too, but I wanted you to use the work “fascinate.”

Johnny raised his hand next and said, “My Aunt Bessie has a sweater with ten buttons on it, but she has gotten so heavy she can only fasten eight.”

The Question

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him: “Daddy, what is sex?” The Dad was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the ‘birds and the bees’. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
“Why did you ask this question?” Her father asked her:
The little girl replied, “Well mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.”

Dining at a US Italian restaurant

A gentleman and his wife had just finished their meal at an upscale Italian restaurant. When the waiter approached with the check, the gentleman said to the waiter, “You know, the cheeses on this lasagna was even better that what we were served when we were in Italy.”
The waiter answered, “Of course, over there they served local cheeses, here we use imported.”

The young man’s concern

A minister with a special health related ability, encouraged his congregation to ask for help for any conditions they might have after the service was completed.
At the conclusion of the service, he told those with a need for help to line up in the center aisle, and he would take them in order.
The first in line was a 19 year old young man. When asked by the minister in what area he needed help, the young man said he was concerned about his hearing.
At that, the minister began a prayer, and then put his hands over the young man’s ears and prayed fervently. Then he placed his hands on his head and said more prayers.
After a few more minutes of special healing prayers, the minister asked, “How is your hearing now?”
The young man answered, “I don’t know. It’s not until next Wednesday at 3 O’clock.”