A man had just finished a meal in an Italian restaurant. On his way ouh, he told the manager that the veal parmigiana was better than he had had on a recent trip to Italy.
“Of course,” said the manager, “over there they use domestic cheese. Here we use imported!”

It’s the people with horse sense who know when to say “Nay.”

The good thing about Kleptomania is that if you’ve got it, you can always take something for it.

A man walked up to a vending machine, piut in a coin and pressed the button labeled “Coffee, Cream, Sugar.” No cup dropped down, but the nozzles went into action, sending forth coffee, cream and sugar. After the proper amounts had gone down the drain, the machine turned itself off.
“Now that’s real automation for you” said the man. “The thing even drinks it for you.”

Paddy took his son with him to the pub. It was a time to start to let him try his first pint.
He started off with a fine Guiness pint, but when his son tasted it, he spit it out in disgust.
So Paddy finished the drink.
Next he thought maybe a Kilkenny might be to his liking, but he sp[t that one out, too.
So Paddy finished the drink.
Then he thought his son might enjoya Harp Lager…but, no, he didn’t like that one either.
So, Paddy finished the drink.
Then Paddy thought that maybe his taste would be more inclined for Whisky, so he ordered a Jameson’s.
No, his son didn’t like that, either.
So Paddy finished the drink.
Then he ordered Dare Redbreast, thing he might like that one. But, no, he hated it.
So Paddy finished the drink.
After that, Paddy decided it wads time to go home.
But he paused and said, “By this time I was so drunk, I could hardly push his stroller home.”

A policeman walking along his beat in a neighborhood, noticed a small boy on the porch of a house, stretching as high as he could to push the door bell button.
Strolling to the house and up the front steps, the Policeman asked, kindly, “It sure is kind of high for you, young manl. Here, let me help you.” And, he picked up the boy so he could reach the bell and push the button.
After he pushed it, the kindly cop asked, “So, what do we do now?”
The boy answered, “We run as fast as we can.”

Appetizers: Hearts of Love, Seasoned Greetings, Dash of Cheer

Entree: Large Cup of Joy, Generous Portions of Kindness, Casserole of Happiness

Desserts: Cherished Friendship – Assorted Delights

Beverage: Old Fashioned Merriment

BEST WISHES FOR THE HAPPIEST HOLIDAYS EVER

“When you marry the right woman, you

are COMPLETE. When you marry the

wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches

you with the wrong one,you are

COMPLETELY FINISHED!”

A man visits a psychiatrist and tells him that his aunt thinks she’s a chicken.
“How long has this been going on?” asked the Dr.
“About 3 years,” the man answered.
“Why have you waited so long?”
The man answers, “To tell you the truth, we needed the eggs.”

On “Your Show of Shows” years ago, Carl Reiner was interviewing Sid Caesar, who was a CIA Agent.
“So tell me,” said Carl Reiner, “What would you do if you were suddenly surrounded by the enemy?”
“I would throw my raincoat on the ground.”
Carl asks, “What good would that do?”
Answers CIA agent Caesar, “It would protect my knees while I pray.”