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The cattle Ranch

New Yorkers Larry and Jane moved to Wyoming to buy a cattle ranch.
Months later, a friend flew out for a visit.
“So, what did you name your ranch?” asked the visitor.
“We had a difficult time trying to decide on a name, but we finally compromised and named it, ‘The Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar 7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.'”
“Wow!” His friend was impressed. But, looking around he saw no cattle.
“So, where are all the cows?”
The owner answers, “None of them survived the branding.”
–Readers Digest

Therapy

A psychologist congratulated his patient on making good progress, but the patient wasn’t buying it.
“You can’t call this progress,” he snapped. “Six months ago I was Napoleon, now I’m nobody.”
–Reader’s Digest

She wanted me to put the top down

“So, how did your date go last night,” asked Bill
Tom answered, “It started out ok, but when we parked on Lover’s leap, she asked me to put the top down, and an hour later she was gone.”
“An hour?” responded Bill. “It only takes me 39 seconds to put my top down.”
“Well,” answered Tom, “That’s easy for you. You have a convertible.”

You’ve got to help my uncle

A man visits a psychiatrist and complains about his uncle. “You’ve got to help him,” he says.
“What seems to be the p;roblem?” asks the doc.
“He thinks he’s a chicken,.” answers the visitor.
“How long has this been going on?” asks the Psychiatrist.
“For 3 years now,” was the answer.
“Why didn’t you come in sooner?”
“Well,” answers the man, “to tell you the truth, we needed the eggs.”

Help for my wife

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “You’ve got to help me about my wife. She thinks she’s a refrigerator.”
“That’s the first time I’ve heard of that,” says the doctor. “What does she do that’s upsetting you?”
“Well,” answers the husband, “During the day she seems normal, but at night she sleeps with her mouth
open, and that little light keeps me awake.”

We don’t serve blondes

A blonde goes into an appliance store, looks around awhile, and then calls over a salesman.
“I want that TV set,” she said.
“I’m sorry we don’t serve blondes here,” he said.
So, she left, dyed her hair brown, and returned the next day.

“I want that TV set, ” she said, again.
And once agaqin the clerk said, “We don’t serve blondes here.”
So, she left again, dyed her hair black, and returned the next day.
She pointed to the item she wanted, and said, “I want that TV set.”
The clerk said, “I told you before, we don’t serve blondes here.”
“How do you know I’m a blonde?” she asked.
“Because that item is a microwave.”

Starting a discussion

A shy young man, a freshman in college, created enough courage to get a date with the love of his life.
But, he was unsure of what they would talk about on this date, as he feared he might not make a good impression without something to talk about.
So, he consulted with a neighbor, an elderly fellow who had good sense and was friendly with the lad.
After explaining that it was his first date, and one with a really nice girl, and that he didn’t want there to be any embarrassing lulls, he asked, “If we don’t just talk without a problem, and there’s an uncomfortable silence, I need some suggestions on what to bring up to talk about.”
“Well,” said the old gent, “You could talk about relatives. And if that doesn’t work, you could bring up the subject of love,and if you don’t have success with that, you could bring up a philosophical question to discuss.”
So,at the appointed time, he picked up his date, and they walked to a nearby park to stroll for awhile, and when they sat down at a bench, they were both silent.
Thinking of the advice from his neighbor, he turned to the young lady and asked, “Do you have an uncle? She told him no. So, he figured, that takes care of the relative discussion, and he turned
to her again and asked, “Do you love pickles?” Again she answered no, and he figured that the discussion about love had now come to an end.
The last suggested topic was a philosophical discussion, so he turned to her again and said, “If you had an uncle, would he love pickles?”

Little Boy story

A Small boy of short stature and probably older than he looked, was trying to reach the doorbell
of a house, but even on tiptoes he couldn’t reach it. It was probably set higher than most.
A police officer was nearby, and saw the boy’s struggle to reach that bell button.
So, being of general good nature and realizing his predicament, strolled over to help the young man.

“Here, let me help you,” the officer said as he walked up the porch, and lifted the kid so he could reach the bell better. The kid pushed it.
“So,” said the officer, “what do we do now?”
“Run as fast as we can,” he said.