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The fly killer

A lady comes home from shopping and sees her husband sitting in his usual chair holding a fly swatter.
“Did you do anything exciting while I was away?” she asked.
“Yes,” he answered. “I killed 5 flies. Three males and 2 females.”
“So, how did you know which was which?”
“The 3 males were on a 6-pack of beer, and the females were on the phone.”

Guess my age

People make fun of the elderly when they are forgetful. It’s the same way we laugh at what little kids say.
So, this older man in a nursing home goes up to a group of women and says, “I bet you can’t guess my age.”
One of the women pipes up and says, “You’re 94.”
“How did you guess?”
Said the women, in unison, “You told us yesterday.”

The cure

It happened in a large medical clinic.
A woman came screaming out of room 8, running down the hall, and out the door.
The clinic director went running into room 8 and confronted young Dr.Davis.
“What happened in here that caused Mrs. Peterson to leave the clinic screaming all the way?” asked the director.
“I told her after my examination that she was pregnant,” answered young Dr. Davis.
“You told a woman almost 60 years of age that she was pregnant? Whatever in God’s green earth made you say such a thing?” asked the director.
“Cured her hiccups, didn’t it?” replied Young Dr. Davis.

The Chinese baby

Mrs Wong gave birth to a baby boy, a handsome baby at that, but Mr. Wong was not happy.
He thought the baby didn’t look Chinese. In fact, to him, it looked caucasian.
He complained to his wife about it. “This baby does not look Chinese,” he said. “I don’t understand why he looks
Caucasian.”
Mrs. Wong answered, “Well, he’s ours alright. No mixup here in the hospital. Perhaps he’ll grow out of it.”
But Mr. Wong was not convinced. He said, “Everyone knows two Wongs don’t make a white.”

Two goldfish talking

Two Goldfish swiumming in a small fishbowl are talking.
One of them answers a serious question.
He says, “Of course there’s a God. Who do you think changes the weater?”

Question for God

A man of the cloth was visiting a hospital for the insane, as was his custom, to talk to some of the inmates to help where he could.
“Any new residents,?” asked the holy man.
“Yes,” said the administrator. “We have a new man who thinks he’s God.”
“Oh, I’d like to talk to him,” stated the visitor, and so it was arranged.
Facing the new resident, the man of the cloth said to him, “I’m really happy to meet you. I have a question I’d like to ask you.”
“What is it,my son,” answered the man who thought he was God.
“In the bible it is written that you built the earth in one day., as well as a number of other creations in one day. My question is this: When it said one day, was that a 24 hour day, or a much longer period of time called as ‘one day/'”
“I’m sorry,” answered The inmate “but, I am on vacation right now, and when I’m on vacation, I don’t like to talk shop.”

History

1. History never really says goodbye. History says, ‘See you later.’
2. History repeats itself said the teacher as she flunked the whole class.

Judging the deceased

Some years ago, Michael J. Flanagan, a successful New York contractor, was standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry when a car got loose and sent him into the river where he drowned.
The following Sunday his widow, all decked out in deepest black, was standing on the church steps after Mass, receiving condolences and enjoying every minute of it, when an old friend of the contractor came up.
“I’m sorry, Mary, for your trouble,” offered the friend. “Did Mike leave you well fixed?”
“Oh, he did!” she said. “He left me almost a half million dollars.”
“Well now, that’s not bad for a man who couldn’t read or write.”
“Nor swim either,” added the widow.