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The bathtub test

Some have counseled me to go to a long-term care home.

I was not sure about this. So I decided to ask my long time doctor. So, I awaited my next visit and I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Long-Term Care Home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug.”

“Do you want a bed near the window?”

Interpreting the Bible

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38!”

(Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar. “She said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

Joining the Taliban

So this devout Christian man is growing old, and is apparently on his death bed when he calls in his children and tells them that he wants to join the Taliban.
“What?” they cried. But you hate the Taliban. Why do you want to be affiliated with the Taliban?”
“Well, when I die, it’s much better that one of them should die than one of us.”

The Visiting Doctor

Very few doctors make house calls these days, but Dr. Pierpont does, and he went to visit Mrs. Douglas who was in “Terrible Pain.”
He arrived at the home and went into her bedroom. A few moments later he came out and asked Mr. Douglas to bring him a hammer. Mr. Douglas went into the garage and brought him a hammer.
A few minutes later he came out of the bedroom and asked for a screwdriver. Mr. Douglas went back into the garage and brought him a screwdriver.
A few minutes larer, the doctor came out of the bedroom and asked Mr. Douglas for pliers and a chisel.
Obviously curious, Mr. Douglas asked, “What are you doing to my wife?”
Dr. Pierpont replied, “Nothing yet. I can’t get my bag open.”

The Boy who swallowed a bullet

A boy, of about 4 yrs of age, was rummaging in his fother’s den. He found an unspent bullet and looked it over. As he was about to put it in his mouth, as kids his age often do, his mother walked in and screamed, “Kevin, take that out of your mouth.” but it was too late. She scared him with the shout, and he gulped and swallowed the bullet.
His mother picked him up, put him in the car, and drove to their doctor’s office, and explained what he did. The Doctor rushed an x-ray. amd then consulted with the mother.
The doctor said, “It’s too late to do anything about it, as it is already in his stomach, and too late for surgery. But, I’ll prescribe the strongest laxative I cam give for a five year old, and we’ll wait for it to take effect. In the mean time, at least for the next few hours, don’t point him at anyone.”

Two cows talking

Two cows were standing next to each other in the barn.
One said, “Moo.”
The other said, “Baa.”
The first one asked, “Why did you say Baa?”
The other said, “I’m learning a new language.”

Don’t mess with the witch doctor

Professor Dinwiddie, a retired professor of Sociology, traveled to Africa, He was in the deepest part searching for whatever he could find of interest. Suddenly, he came to a clearing, and area of apparent habitation by a tribe of some sort. So, he entered, and was greeted by the chief of the tribe, who said, (in English) “Welcome Stranger.”
“How have your learned to speak English?” asked the professor.
“Well, an American army officer came here and stayed to help us, and he taught us all English.”
“Well, that’s interesting. Is he still living here?”

“Yes,” answered the chief, “but, he’s teaching right now. I’ll get someone to bring Col. Williams here to meet you.”
After a short while, the runner returned with Col. Williams, who happened to be wearing his army uniform, bedecked with ribbons and medals, but the man was only 2 and 1/2 feet tall.
When introduced, Professor Dinwiddie was taken aback by his short stature, but, instead thanked him for his work with the tribe, but then asked, “Were you this short in the U.S. Army?”
“No,” answered Col. Williams, “:I was about 6 feet tall.”
At this point the Tribal Chief interrupted, and said to the Col., “This might be a good time, Col. Williams, to tell the kind professor what happened when you told the Witch doctor that he was a fake.”