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The Morman Tabernacle Choir

Note: This is just a joke….don’t take it personally. Many of my LDS friends liked this joke.
As the story goes, the Mormon church was concerned about what their members ate and drank to stay healthy.
After a long study of soft drinks available to the public, they approved two for consumption by their members.
They approved, Snapple and Tab.
So, the choir soon became known as the Mormon Tab and Snapple Choir.

The 24 Hour Restaurant

A man walked up to the door of a restaurant, and found the door locked. So, after
trying it over and over, he knocked on the door.
A waiter came over to the door and said, “I’m sorry, we’re closed.”
The man answered, “But, your sign says you’re open 24 hours.”
“Yeah,” answered the waiter, “But, not in a row.”

Small town restaurant

Rodney sropped for gas in a small town in Nevada.
He asked the clerk at the counter if there was a restaurant in town.
“Yes,” said the clerk, “we have two restaurants, one in the North of the town,
and one in the South, but I’ll tell you, which ever you decide to eat at will
make you wish you had chosen the other restaurant.”

The coach’s superstition

A Big Ten coach, perhaps from Ohio State University, was being interviewed
some years ago and it went something like this:
After some questions about the team and prospects for going to the Rose Bowl,
the coach was asked by the interviewer, “So, tell me coach. Do you have any
superstitions about football?”
“Only one,” said the coach. “I believe it is very bad luck to be behind at
the end of the game.”

The army way

A new recruit was trying to locate his new assigned battalion orderly room and was
checking the area out when he passed a Lieutenant. The officer stopped him and said,
“Are you new here, soldier?”
The recruit answered, yes sir, I am, but I was looking for the 5th Battalion Orderly Room.
“Don’t you realize that when you pass an officer you have to salute?”
“Well, yes, I did,” said the private, “but I wasn’t sure how or when to do it, and I
was distracted looking for the 5th battalion.
“What’s your name, soldier?” responded the Lt.
“John,” he answered.
“Don’t you know the army way is to use last names. I don’t yell out Philip to find
a particular soldier. I would use his last name, like Thompson, or Jones, or Gilly,
or whatever his last name is. Do you understand?”
“Yes sir,” he responded.
“So,” said the Lt., “What’s your last name?”
“Darling,” stated the new comer.
The Lt. stammered a moment, and then said, “So, John, check into your battalion right
there get your barracks assignment.”

A Job at the zoo

Joe decided to apply for a job at the zoo. The employment director
told him they had an opening for him, but it would be a bit unusual.
He explained that their gorilla had died and they had no money to buy
one on the zoo market, and that his job would be to wear a gorilla suit
and pretend he was a gorilla.
After explaining the details and how he would be alone in the cage and very
safe, plus he could have a lot of fun entertaining the visitors, Joe finally
agreed.
So, he did have a lot of fun, parading around his cage and entertaining the
kids as well as the adults. He climbed on the trees in his cage, and on the
rocks, and when things were quiet he would take a nap in the corner, and when
the crowd gathered again, he would jump up and begin clowning around again
to the delighted visitors.
One day, as Joe was jumping around he climbed up the side of his cage to the
top, lost his balance and fell into the next cage, the lion’s cage.
As the lion walked toward him, he began to shake, and just stood there unable
to move. As the lion got closer, Joe began talking to the lion like it was
a cat, and said, “Good Lion, you’re not going to hurt me, are you?” And as
he spoke more in his frightened voice, he was shocked to hear the lion speak
back.
The lion said, “If you don’t shut up, you’re going to get both of us fired.”

A reason to enjoy being bald

A bald man was talking to some friends who had just established the
fact that they were all feeling sorry for him for being bald.
So, jumping in to defend himself, he raised up to his full height
and stated, “Look, God only gives us so much testosterone. If you
want to waste yours growing hair, that’s your business.”

Grounds for divorce`

Redneck Billy Bob went to see Lawyer Leroy to get a divorce.
“So,” said Lawyer Leroy, “What grounds do you have?”
Billy Bob answered, “What are grounds?”
“That’s the reasons you can get a divorce.”
“Oh, yeah,” said Billy Bob. “I got reasons.”
“well,” said Lawyer Leroy, “tell me what you got, and I’ll look it
up in the law book here.”
“OK. Reason number one: I got home early the other night, and she
was sittin’ on the couch with a strange man and close together, too.”
“Hmm, mused Lawyer Leroy, “Let me look in the law book here.” So he
began flipping pages and saying, “Sittin’ close together, Sittin’ close together.”
Then after a few moments of this, and flipping through the law book, Lawyer Leroy
said, “I’m sorry Billy Bob, but sittin’ close together ain’t a reason to get a divorce,
according to the law book. What else do you have?”
Then Billy Bob said, “He was whispering something in her ear.”
“Oh, maybe you got something there,” said Lawyer Leroy, and he again checked the law
book, flipping through the pages and saying, “Whispering in her ear, whispering in her
ear.” Then he closed the law book and said, “I’m sorry, Billy Bob, but whispering in
her ear ain’t no grounds for divorce. What else have you got?”
“Well, he had his hand on her knee,” answered Billy Bob.
“Now, maybe you got something there. Let me check the law book,” said Lawyer Leroy.
Then he began looking through the lawbook repeating the words, “Hand on the knee, hand
on the knee.”
“I’m sorry, Billy Bob, but hand on the knee ain’t no grounds for divorce, but I’ll tell
you what we can do.”
“You go back there and get his hand off her knee and have him put his foot there, and
we’ll get him for trespassing.”

Finding a hotel room with a bigot manager

A man with a Jewish accent was trying to get a hotel room. An anti-Semitic room clerk
said, “I’m sorry, we don’t rent to Jews.”
“But, I’m not Jewish,” said the man, “I’m Catholic.”
The clerk answered, “So, tell me, then. Where was Jesus born?”
“Bethlehem,” he answered.
“And where in Bethlehem?” asked the clerk.
“In a stable in the manger.”
Then the clerk asked, “And why was he born in the stable?”
The prospective tenant answered, “Because some mean son of a gun hotel clerk
like you wouldn’t rent his father a room.”

How Jesus got his name

Joseph and Mary were on their way to Bethlehem, when they were stopped
by 3 men on camels.
When asked who they were, one answered, “We’re the 3 wise men, and we
wanted to tell you, Joseph and Mary, that you’ll have a very tough time
finding a place to stay in Bethlehem. All the rooms are booked at the
inns and hotels. So, you’ll have to stay in a stable somewhere, and your
baby will be born in the manger.”
Then they continued, “It will be a beautiful baby boy.”
“Wow,” said Joseph, “What else do you know?”
“Well,” they answered, “you’ll name the baby Jesus.”
Then Mary piped up and with excitement said, “You know, I think I like
that better than Irving.”