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The car accident with a dwarf

A distracted driver had not noticed that the cars ahead of him had stopped.
Needless to say, he applied the brakes a little too late, and plowed into the car ahead of him.
The man ahead stopped his car and hopped out to view the damage. Surprisingly, he was a dwarf.
So the distracted driver got out of his car, too, and both viewed the damage, which wasn’t
extensive, but it was a new car with a pushed in bumper and body scratches and dents.
The dwarf looked up at the offensive driver and said, “I’m not happy.”
The defendant in this case saw a lot of humor in seeing a dwarf and said, “So, which one are you?”
(Now remember this is just a joke, and I really like little people and don’t intend to upset them.)

A man who holds his glass with both hands

The typical opening for a joke: A man walked into a bar.
And this guy ordered a shot of Scotch.
The bartender served him, and watched as the man held on to the little shot glass
with both hands.
Noting this, the bartender asked, “How come you’re holding your glass with both hands.
“Oh,” said the man, “I’ve done this ever since my accident.”
“Wow, what was your accident?” asked the bartender.
“I spilled one once.”

Another odd name

A fellow was strolling through Chinatown in one of the major cities in the US. He saw a sign
that tripped his curiosity. It said: Chinese Laundry, Herman Schwartz, Proprietor.
He was so curious he went in to see the owner. BehInd the counter was a Chinese Gentleman.
The fellow said, “Are you the proprietor?”
“Yes,” answered the Chinese fellow.
“So, tell me, how did you get the name of Herman Schwartz?”
“Well, when I come over from Asia, I went into Immigration Center. The man at the desk asked the man
ahead of me for his name. He said Herman Schwartz. Then I step up, and when he asked my name, I told
him: SAM TING.

Where did you get a name like that?

A Jewish man advanced to a card table set up in front of Canter’s Delicatessen in Los Angeles. Behind the card table was a
man registering Voters.
Thus, when the prospective voter sat down in front of the table, he was asked, “So, what’s you name?”
The gentleman answered, “C.F. Beverly.”
“Where did you get a name like that?” asked the registrar.
“Well,” said the prospective voter, “When all my friends were changing their names, I decided to change mine, too. I thought
about it for weeks. It even kept me up at night as I thought about it, since I wanted a name that was distinctive. Then,
one day as I was walking down the street on a beautiful day, I looked up and noticed the sign with the street name on it.
Beverly Blvd. the sign read, and right then and there I decided that that was the name for me.”
So, asked the interviewer, “What does the C.F. stand for?”
The voter announced proudly, Corner Fairfax.

Free homes for the little people

Do you remember the dwarf man on the show Fantasy Island? Well, rumor has it that
he made a lot of money on the show, and decided to build a little community of little
people who didn’t do as well as he. So he bought a large lot, and built a large number
of little condos, which he gave away free to small people who were down on their luck.
It was a small community, that was called: Stay Free Mini Pads.

How did the car get in the kitchen?

Phil walked into his house after work and was shocked to find that his wife’s car was in the kitchen.
“Oh, Greta,” he yelled to his wife. “Come in here.”
“Yes, Phil,” she answered coyly as she joined him in the kitchen.
“How in the world did you get the car into the kitchen?” he asked sternly.
“Well,” she answered, “when I passed through the dining room, I made a left turn.”

Water in the carburetor

Ethel from San Diego called up her husband. Tom on her cell phone.
“Tom,” she said, “The car won’t start.”
So, Tom answered, as any husband would, “Let it set for a moment before you
try starting again.”
“I’ve tried that, and it still won’t work. I think there’s water in the carburetor”
“You know, Ethel, it takes a mechanic years of study and work to come up with a diagnosis that there’s water in the carburetor,”
Tom added like an expert. “Where’s the car now?”
Rather offhandedly, Ethel answered, “At the bottom of Lake Murray.”

The Mailman and the women in his route

A husband, Bill, came home from work one day, and said to his wife, Joanne,”I had an interesting event today,”
“That sounds rare for you,” she replied.
“It was,” he answered. “You’ll never guess who I met at lunch. It was George, our mailman.”
“Wow, what a coincidence,” answered Joanne.
“I was just starting lunch when he came in to the restaurant, and I asked if he’d like to join me.”
“So, we chatted during the whole time. He said something rather interesting.”
Bill continued, “He said he has been smooching daily with every woman on his route except for one.”
Then he looked over at his wife waiting for a response.
She seemed deep in thought, and suddenly spoke up.
“I’ll bet it’s that snooty Mrs. Olsen on the corner.”

The Priest and the IRS

Father O’Sullivan got a phone call from an IRS agent.
“I’m agent Charles Smith from the Internal Revenue Service, and we’re asking about one of your parishioners.”
“Which one?” asked the Priest.
“Did Sean O’Leary donate $10,000 to your church,” asked the agent.
“No,” answered Father O’Sullivan, “But, he will.”