Being politically correct

Joe belonged to a service club, and loved to tell jokes about Jews.
Abe, a member of the club as well, hated hearing jokes about Jews, and told Joe to stop telling them.
One day, Joe started off with a joke that started like this: Two Jews are walking down the street….
When Abe stopped him and said, “I told you, no more jokes about Jews.”
“But, this one has to be two Jews,” replied Joe,
“Well, make them some other ethnic group anyway,” said Abe.
“OK, then,” said Joe, “It won’t sound right.” and he went on with his joke.’
“Two Chinese fellows were walking down the street,” he started, “And one said to the other, ‘Hey, Ching Ling, what did
you get for Chanukah last year?'”

The human Cannonball

sCENE: THE CIRCUS
The human cannonball person entered the boss’s office and announced that he wanted to quit.
“Oh please don’t quit,” said the boss.
“Don’t plead me about it, I don’t want to do this any more.”
“But, I need you,” answered the boss.
“There are plenty of people looking for jobs. You’ll find one to replace me.” answered the cannonball.
“Yeah, but where will I find a man of your caliber?”

The Physical Exam

The doctor completed his examination of the patiunt and was recording his data.
The patient said, “Well, Doc, how do I stand?”
Tje dpctor answered without delay, “That’s what puzzles me.”

Applying for the Circus

A csall was made to the circus.
“Hello,” said the circus secretary,
“Hi, I’d like to apply to be in the circus,” said the voice.
“Well, just what do you do?”
“I can shoot a basketball into the basket 5 times in a row.”
“That won’t get you in, anything else?”
“Yes, I can keep a hula hoop going for 5 minutes straight.”
That won’t do it either. anything else?
Yes, I can stand on one leg for 4 minutes or more.
Well, We’re sorry, but the circus can’t use you. Goodbye,.
The caller hung up the phone and thought outloud.
“I guess I forgot to tell them that I’m a horse.”

The Japanese daughter

Her father called her to see him.
“Honorable Daughter,”he said. “Your honorable father hear you dating man who is not Japanese.”
“Not true, Father,” she answered, and he let he go.
The next day he called her in again.
“Honorable daughter, I hear you dating caucasian man,” he challenged.
“No, No, not true, father,” she replied.
The next day he calls her in again.
“Honorable Daughter, I hear that not only is this man you are dating a Caucasian, but he is also Jewish.”
She answers, “What Schmuck tell you that?”

Having fun at a bar?

A wife was quite upset about her husband spending so much time at the bar up the street, and insisted he take her with him to the bar so she can see what’s going on there.
He agreed to take her, so they went together the next evening.
“What’ll you have?” the bar tender asked.
“I’ll have what he’s having,” she answered.
So, two drinks were brought and placed in front of them: straight whiskey.
The husband picked up his drink and downed it in one gulp.
The wife tentatively sipped her drink, and spit it out, yelling, “This stuff is awful.”
“See,” said her husband, “and you thought I was out having fun every night.”

What crows need to learn

The number of deaths for crows have gone down since they are able to warn other crows about cars coming. They yell, Caw, Caw, like Bostonians…Cah, Cah when a cah approaches, saving hundreds of them.
But, thousands have been killed by trucks since they haven’t learned to say “Truck,” yet, to warn their flocks.

The golfer vs the pro

A golfer running up to the first tee, ask the lone player if he could join him. The man agreed it would be ok to the idea.
On the first 3 holes, then two men were about equal, so the first golfer said, “We’re pretty similar players, why don’t we bet on the game at about $5 per hole. “Well,” said the newcomer, “I’m not much of a betting man, but I’ll play along with you on this.”
At the end of the game, the first golfer said, “Well, I beat you on every hole, so you owe me $90. After being paid, he said, “I have to come clean on this. I’m the golf pro at the other nearby golf course. What kind of work do you do?
The newcomer, “I’m a congregational minister.”
“Oh,” said the pro, “perhaps I shouldn’t be taking your money.”
“That’s ok,” said the minister, “It was a bet and it’s all square now.”
“Well, then, what can I do for you?”
The reverend answered, “Come to my church on Sunday, and bring your mother and father and I will marry them for you.”

4

Father, I used the F-word

A man goes in to see the priest of his parish, and tells him that the day before, he had used the F-word while playing golf.
The priest, being a golfer himself, said, “That’s a serious, blasphemous word to use, even though playing golf. How did it happen that you found yourself in the position of having to use the word?”
“Well,” said the golfer, “I was having a great game, but on the 10th T shot, My ball suddenly veered and hit a tree, bouncing halfway back to the Tee..”
“I suppose that’s where you used the bad word,” said the priest.
“No, I didn’t say it there,” said the golfer, “but, I was in a good position to shoot to the green, but, the shot veered again, and landed in a sand hazard.”
“I suppose that’s when you used the word,” said the priest.
“No,” said the golfer, “I didn’t even say it there, because I thought a chip shot would bring me right up to the green. so I tried it, and the ball did go right onto rhe green, about 5 inches from the cup.”
“I suppose that’s when you used the word,” said the priest.
“No,” said the golfer, “I didn’t even say it then.”
The priest was shocked and suddenly blurted out, “You mean to tell me that you missed that blankety blank friggin’ 5 inch putt?”