A news item in San Diego

In today’s paper there was a story of two gay men attacking a woman in downtown San Diego near Horton Plaza.
It seems that one of them held the woman down while the other one did her hair.

Attending a lecture

A patrol officer stopped a car in the early hours of the morning, and asked the driver, “Where are you going in such a hurry?”
The man answered, “I’m going to attend a lecture on the evils of drinking.”

“And, pray tell me who will be giving this lecture at 2 o’clock in the morning?” questioned the officer.
Answered the driver, “That would be my wife.”

The jigsaw puzzle

Two dunces were going to the movies, and one of them stopped by the other’s house to pick him up. He wasn’t quite ready, so he suggested that he make himself comfortable while he finished getting ready. The visiting dunce walked around the room and noticed a jigsaw puzzle completed on the table, but he didn’t know what it was. When the other dunce came in and said he was ready to go, the visitor asked him about the picture on the table with all the lines in it.
“Oh, well that’s a jogsaw puzzle. The pieces come in a box, and picking one up from the picture, like this. Then, when you put them all together you get a pretty picture, like this.
“Wow” said the visitor. How long did it take you to put it all together like this?”
“About two weeks.”
“Is that good?”
“It’s very good.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, on the box it said from 2 to 4 years.”

Nursery stories for modern children

Several of these popped up and are funny for adults, anyway.
1. The three Bears: Once upon a time there were 3 bears. A daddy bear, a momma bear and a baby bear from a previous marriage.

2. The old woman who lived in a shoe: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children, she didn’t know what to do, Obviously.

There are others I will add when I remember them.

The Fortune Teller

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked, “Will I be acquitted?”

A good Riddle

What is red, orange, green, yellow, red, blue and gray?

You’ll never figure this out, so read the answer below.

Answer: It’s an elephant with a set of colored pencils.

A discussion with the border agent

A gentleman entering the USA from Europe, was at the immigration desk. Looking through his possessions, the agent noticed that the man had 5 pairs of gold false teeth.
“You’ll be allowed to take only one pair of your gold teeth with you into the country.”
“But, I’m a religious Jewish person, and I need two for sure, one for when I eat meat, and the other when I eat dairy.”
“OK,” said the agent, “but the other 3 stay behind.”
“But,” you see, on our religious holiday when we change dishes for Passover, I need a different set of teeth, again, one for meat and one for dairy.”
“OK,” said the agent, you can take in 4 pair, but the extra one has to stay behind.”
“What’s the matter,” answered the fellow, “Can’t a guy have a ham sandwich once in awhile?”