Giving up Smoking

A group sitting at a bar were discussing how they gave up smoking.
After some discussion, one fellow said, “I gave up smoking Wild Turkey.”
The others turned to him and siad, “Don’t you mean Cold Turkey?”
“Look,” he said, “You do it your way, I’ll do it my way.”

A blonde attends the ballet

After attending a ballet for the first time, a blonde turned to her date and said, “I don’t understand the ballet.”
“What don’t you understand about it?”
“Well, all the ladies were dancing on their toes. Why don’t they just get taller dancers?”

A visit with the Pope

A gent is in his barber’s chair when the barber asks him what’s going on in his life.
“Glad you asked,” said the gent. I’m flying to Rome this weekend for a short vacation.”
“What airline are you taking?” asked the barbar.
“El Italia airlines.”
“Oh, that’s a terrible airline says the hair clipper, “The flights are bumpy, the stewardesses are ugly and the food is inedible. What will you be doing in Rome?”
“I’m planning to visit the Pope.”
“This is a terrible time to visit Rome with their terrible weather, and the Pope, if he’s still in town, will be impossible to see with thousands of others waiting in line. I’m sorry to tell you this, but it won’t be a good trip.”
The gent left, and 4 weeks later returned for his haircut again.
“So, how was your trip to Rome?” asked the barber.
“Fabulous, the airline ride was smooth, served great food by gorgeous stewardesses. The weather was great and the Pope was in town. I arranged for a personal visit with the Pope, and it was an exciting experience.”
“Really,” answered the barber, “and what did the Pope have to say?”
“Well,” said the gent, “when I bent over to kiss his ring, he said, ‘Where did you get that lousey haircut?'”

How I quit smoking

A group of people were discussing how they quit smoking.
One woman said, “I quit smoking Wild Turkey.”
A fellow answered, “You mean cold turkey.”
“Look,” the woman answered, “You do it your way, I’ll do it my way.”

What Indian learns by listening to the ground.

Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, “You see that Indian?”

“Yeah,” says the other cowboy.

“Look,” says the first one, “He’s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction.”

Just then the Indian looks up. “Covered wagon,” he says, “About two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, furniture in wagon …”

“Incredible!” says the cowboy to his friend. “This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color, what’s in the wagon — just amazing!”

The Indian looks up and says, “Ugh … not amazing … wagon ran … over me … 30 minutes ago!”

Understanding Football

Walking out of the football stadium where the couple had just witnessed a game, the wife said to her husband, “I just don’t understand football.”
“What don’t you understand?” asked her mate.
“Well,” she answered, “they start the game by flipping a quarter to see who goes first. And, then the spend the rest of the game with the fans yelling, ‘get the quarter back,’ over and over. Why would that want that quarter back? It seems silly to me.”

Kill the Umpire

A woman at a baseball game kept yelling, “Kill the Umpire.”
As the game progressed, she yelled it over and over until the guy sitting next to her asked, “Why do you insist on yelling, the Umpire hasn’t done anything wrong.
“Well,” she answered, “he’s my husband, and last night he came home late and had lipstick on his collar. Kill the Umpire!“she yelled.

The percentage of good people

God received a message from one of the Angels that visit Earth on occasion.
The report said that 95% of the people on earth were sinners or non believers, and that only 5% of the people were good religious, non sinners, and pure hearted.
So God requested a list of the email addresses of all of the good people, the whole 5% of the world’s population, and sent out a message of good will to all of them.
Do you know what the email message was???
No????
Well, I didn’t get one either.