Bats in the Belfry

There were three men of the cloth who met each week to discuss mutual concerns.
There was Pastor Johnson, Father O’Malley and Rabbi Cohen.
One day, Pastor Johnson said to his friends, “We have a terrible problem at the church with bats who have built a colony in our steeple, really creating a mess up there.
Rabbi Cohen concurred, and said, “it’s a lot of trouble in our Synagogue attic, not only noise, but
also creating a mess.
Father O’MALLEY could not but smile, and say, “We had that problem before, but we have it solved.”
“Really,” chimed in the others, “How did you do it?”
Father O’Malley answered, “We converted them all into our church, and now we only see them at Easter and Christmas.”

Phyllis Diller also talks of waterbeds

Phyllis Diller, in one of her monologues, mentioned that a life preserver came with her waterbed. My wife and I didn’t need a life preserver, but she did say “Welcome Aboard,” when I got into bed, and then would sing “Red Sails in the Sunset.”

The Blonde and the Ventriloquist

A ventriloquist was entertaining in a small theatre, and he told a dumb blonde joke, like “Which is closer, Florida or the moon?” His dummy on his knee said that the Dumb blonde answeed, “The Moon.” When asked why, the blonde was reported by the dummy to say, “You can see the moon.”
At that point a blonde jumped up and began to shout, “All blondes are not dumb,” she said, “in fact many are professors, lawyers, and doctors, and I am insulted as blonde for you to tell jokes that degrade all the intelligent blondes that there are.”
The ventriloquist answered, “I’m sorry if I offended you, it’s only a joke.”
The blonde answered, “I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to that little jerk you have sitting on your knee.”

A dumb blonde Joke: Buying draperies

I know, I know, all blondes are not dumb.
This blonde went into a drapery store and took an hour to pick out her pattern.
“How long will these drapes be?” asked the clerk.
“About 13 inches,” she answered.
“Really,” said the clerk. What’s it for?
“It’s for my computer,” she answered.
“Look, Lady, people don’t put drapes on their computers.”
“Hello,” she said, “They’re windows.”


Note: all blondes are not stupid. But, there are some dumb blondes, even though they’re rare. So, when I refer to a dumb blonde, I don’t plan on an outcry of denial, since it doesn’t apply to all blondes.
For example: This dumb blonde went into a bar and told the crowd of imbibers, “I know the capital of every state in the Union.”
So, one drunk yelled out, “What’s the capital of Michigan.”
“Oh,” she said, “That’s easy. M.”

Why did you die?

A middle aged man is kneeling at a gravesite in a cemetery, and sobbing and pleading with the question, “Oh, Why did you die?” over and over.
Another man viewing the scene went over to him and said, “This must be the grave of a very close friend or relative.”
The sobbing man stopped, and answered, “No, I never met the man.”
Perplexed by his answer, the visitor said, “Well, then who’s buried here?”
The pleading man answered, “My wife’s first husband.”