The Blind man and the blonde joke

A blind man found his way into a bar, and loudly announced to all who would listen, “Anyone want to hear a blonde joke?”
The bar tender said to him, “I’m not sure you should tell a blonde joke here. You see, the mananger of this bar is a blonde,
the bartender is a blonde, two of our waitresses are blondes, and the bus buy os a blonde.”
“You’re right,” said the blind man, “I definitely should not tell a blonde joke here. I just don’t want to have to explain it
five times.”

How about the man who thought he was a dog?

A man goes in to see a psychologist and says,”I think I’m really a dog.”
“So what things do you do as a dog?” said the doc.
“Well, I love to chase cars, and I bark when someone comes to our door,
and I just love dog food. Not only that but I can chew on an old bone for hours
at a time.”
The doctor said, “This sounds serious. Please lie down on the couch.”
The man/dog responded, “Oh, I’m not allowed on the couch.”

About the man who thought he was a chicken

A gentleman went in to see a psychiatrist and said, “My uncle thinks he’s a chicken. Do you think you can help him?”
“Of course,” said the psychiatrist. “How long has this condition been going on?”
The visitor said, “Three years.”
“Oh my gosh,” said the doctor. Whey didn’t you seek help sooner?”
“Well,” said the gentleman, “to be frank, we needed the eggs.”

An old time little rhyme

My mother was born in 1907, and spent a lot of her early years in Richmond, VA. One of the little rhymes she rememered
was this little ditty.
“I eat my peas with honey. I’ve done it all my life.
It makes the peas taste funny, but it keeps them on the knife.”

An Irish Joke: Fishing in a puddle

An Irish gentleman was on his way into his favorite pub, when he saw an unbelievable sight.
A man was holding a fishing pole with the hook in a puddle of water from the early morning rain that day.
Thinking to himself, “That poor old fellow needs some help. He obviously thinks there are fish in that puddle. I think
I’ll invite him in for a drink and talk to him a bit and help him get to thinking about what he was doing.”
So, he invited the old gent into the pub with him.
After a few minutes of sipping from their pint, the host said to the man, “I saw you fishing out in front of the pub.
Did you catch anything?”
“Yes,” answered the old fellow. “You’re the 4th.”

The blonde with the long computer password

A blonde called in a computer repair person to fix some things that weren’t working properly.
To open the computer, the guru asked for her password.
“It’s “SacramentoMickeyandMinnieMouseandDonaldDuck.”
“Why did you pick such a long password?” he asked.
“Well,” she answered. “They told me to include a capital and 3 characters.”

You must come to a full stop at a stop sign

A 40ish gentleman was pulled over by a policeman.
The man asked, “What seems to be the problem, Officer?”
The Motorcycle cop answered, “You didn’t stop at the stop sign.”
“But, I slowed down,” said the man.
“Slowing down is not the same as coming to a full stop,” answered the representative of the law.
“Well,” said the motorist, “you explain the difference to me and I’ll be happy to pay the ticket.
The cop responded, “OK, get out of the car.” The driver got out.
The the policeman began hitting him with his night stick. And, after a few minutes asked, “Now do
you want me to stop or slow down?”

The Speeder got off

A Young man was speeding down the road and about 35 MPH faster than the limit.
Needless to say, a policeman pulled him over, and said to the young fellow, “I’ve been waiting for you all day.”
The lad answered, “Well, I got here as fast as I could.”
The policeman was so amused that he couldn’t stop laughing and said to the fellow, “Now, that was an answer I did not
expect, and it made my day. No ticket this time, but watch the speed limits from now on.

The sports Mechanic

Three women were discussing how much money their grown sons made.
One woman said, “My son is a Heart surgeon, and earns over $250,000 a year.”
The second woman said, “My son is a brain surgeon and he earns over $600,000 per year.
The third woman said, “My son makes over a Million dollars a year.”
“What does he do?” asked the other two ladies in unison.
“He’s a Sports Mechanic,” she answered. When questioned about what he did, she replied,
“He fixes the fights, he fixes the races, and he fixes ball games…..”

I hired a gorgeous secretary

I hired a gorgeous secretary, and after she was scheduled to start, I told her, “I hope you realize that this job will be temporary.”
“Temporary!” she replied. “I thought this was a permanent job.
“Well,” I answered. It might have been, but as soon as my wife sees you, you’ll be through.”