Browse Month

April 2017

The Geni in North Korea

The American Secretary of State finally had a meeting with the leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un. They were walking
along the shoreline not far from the Villa where they were staying, and the weather was nice and calm. As they
walked along the beach, they both noticed a bottle that was washing ashore, and Kim reached down and picked it up.
He uncorked the bottle, and lo and behold a geni jumped out and offered each of the two men one wish.
The young leader of North Korea said, “I would like to have a high brick wall built around the entire N. Korea area,
along the Chinese border down to the DMZ and along both edges facing the sea. I’d like it impenetrable and at least
15 feet high.”
The Geni said, “Granted,” and a high brick wall appeared before their eyes around the country.
“Done,” said the Geni, and turning to the American, asked, “And, what is your wish?”
“Fill it with water,” he said.

Trump and Putin at lunch

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in the White House, when
they were interrupted by a chef to announce lunch was in preparation. “And,” the
chef said, “Do you have any requests for lunch?”
“Yes,” said the US President, “I’d like to order a Western Sandwich.”
Putin also put in a request: “Then I’ll have an Eastern Sandwich.”
“But, Vlad old friend,” said Trump, “We don’t have an Eastern Sandwich, in fact there is
no such thing.”
“So,” answered Putin, “I’d like the Eastern half of your Western Sandwich.”

Happily married for 20 years

Two gentlemen were talking about their marriages.
One said, “I’ve been married for 20 years, and I’m very happy.”
The other said, “I had 20 years of happy married life, too, and out of 38
years of marriage, that’s not bad.”

The man who could tell what was in a drink

A man walked into a bar, strode up to the bartender and said, “You can mix any kind of a drink, and
I can tell exactly what’s in it. If I’m right, I won’t have to pay for it. That’s my deal.”
The bartender said, “Ok, you’re on. but, if you’re wrong you pay.”
So, he mixed a drink with several ingredients and presented it to the customer.
The gentleman sipped it a bit and thought, and then said, “I taste a bit of Black and White Scotch, and there’s
a splash of Jack Daniels, and quite a bit of Johnny Walker.”
The bartender was amazed, and said, “That’s right. Do you want to try another?”
The drinker nodded, and was served a second drink.
“Hmmm,” he intoned, “I taste some Khalua, a bit of Taquila, and the rest is Vodka.”
“Wow, that was great,” said the bartender, and went back and filled a glass with water.
He handed it to the expert, who tasted it several times, and finally said, “I don’t know
what this is, but I can tell you one thing about it. It’ll never sell.”

3 Spies in Russia Sentenced to Death

Three men were convicted as spies in Russia, and sentenced to death. One was Hungarian, one was Polish and other
was Ukrainian. “You have been sentenced to death, but,” said the warden of the prison, “after you are dead and have been cremated, you will have a free choice as to where you would like your ashes to be spread.”
All three thought for a moment, and finally the Polish convict spoke up. “I would like my ashes spread over the
statue of that great polish general, General Polaski.”
The Hungarian said, “I would like my ashes spread over the statue of that great Hungarian General, General Nagy.
“We will see to that for you as your last wish,” said the warden.
Then the Ukrainian spoke up. “I would like my ashes spread over the statue of that Great Russian President,
Vladimir Putin.”
“But,” said the warden. Putin isn’t dead, yet.”
“OK,” said the Ukrainian, “I’ll wait.”

A man who holds his glass with both hands

The typical opening for a joke: A man walked into a bar.
And this guy ordered a shot of Scotch.
The bartender served him, and watched as the man held on to the little shot glass
with both hands.
Noting this, the bartender asked, “How come you’re holding your glass with both hands.
“Oh,” said the man, “I’ve done this ever since my accident.”
“Wow, what was your accident?” asked the bartender.
“I spilled one once.”

The car accident with a dwarf

A distracted driver had not noticed that the cars ahead of him had stopped.
Needless to say, he applied the brakes a little too late, and plowed into the car ahead of him.
The man ahead stopped his car and hopped out to view the damage. Surprisingly, he was a dwarf.
So the distracted driver got out of his car, too, and both viewed the damage, which wasn’t
extensive, but it was a new car with a pushed in bumper and body scratches and dents.
The dwarf looked up at the offensive driver and said, “I’m not happy.”
The defendant in this case saw a lot of humor in seeing a dwarf and said, “So, which one are you?”
(Now remember this is just a joke, and I really like little people and don’t intend to upset them.)

Another odd name

A fellow was strolling through Chinatown in one of the major cities in the US. He saw a sign
that tripped his curiosity. It said: Chinese Laundry, Herman Schwartz, Proprietor.
He was so curious he went in to see the owner. BehInd the counter was a Chinese Gentleman.
The fellow said, “Are you the proprietor?”
“Yes,” answered the Chinese fellow.
“So, tell me, how did you get the name of Herman Schwartz?”
“Well, when I come over from Asia, I went into Immigration Center. The man at the desk asked the man
ahead of me for his name. He said Herman Schwartz. Then I step up, and when he asked my name, I told
him: SAM TING.

Where did you get a name like that?

A Jewish man advanced to a card table set up in front of Canter’s Delicatessen in Los Angeles. Behind the card table was a
man registering Voters.
Thus, when the prospective voter sat down in front of the table, he was asked, “So, what’s you name?”
The gentleman answered, “C.F. Beverly.”
“Where did you get a name like that?” asked the registrar.
“Well,” said the prospective voter, “When all my friends were changing their names, I decided to change mine, too. I thought
about it for weeks. It even kept me up at night as I thought about it, since I wanted a name that was distinctive. Then,
one day as I was walking down the street on a beautiful day, I looked up and noticed the sign with the street name on it.
Beverly Blvd. the sign read, and right then and there I decided that that was the name for me.”
So, asked the interviewer, “What does the C.F. stand for?”
The voter announced proudly, Corner Fairfax.

Free homes for the little people

Do you remember the dwarf man on the show Fantasy Island? Well, rumor has it that
he made a lot of money on the show, and decided to build a little community of little
people who didn’t do as well as he. So he bought a large lot, and built a large number
of little condos, which he gave away free to small people who were down on their luck.
It was a small community, that was called: Stay Free Mini Pads.