A women went in to visit a fortune teller.
As the crystal ball shown bright and the seer kept moaning, she finally turned to her visitor and talked about what she learned.
“Your husband will meet disaster, and will die a horrible death. Prepare yourself, my dear.
The woman thought for a moment and then said, “Will I be convicted?”

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. “Gosh, I’d really like to help you…” He told the warden, “but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!”

A man visiting a doctor at his office was told to wait in room 3 until the doctor was free to see him.
When the doctor came into the room ,he asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man answered, “Nothing, really, you see, I’m dead.”
The surprised doctor replied, “I am surprised to hear that,” as he slyly reached for a needle.
Then the doctor said, “You know,dead people don’t bleed,” and with that he poked the needle into a vessel in his hand. Needless to say, blood began spurting out.
The man looked at the spurting blood and said, “How about that?? Dead people do bleed.”

One day on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, a homeless man approached a stylish Beverly Hills Matron and
said, “Hey, Lady. I haven’t eaten for 3 days.”
The woman looked at the man and said, “Jeeze, I sure wish I had your willpower.”

Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

A blonde was attending a ventriloquist’s performance with a small crowd.
During the performance, the dummy told a blond joke, which caused the blonde to become outraged.
She jumped up and began yelling, “I resent that joke, Blondes are not stupid. Some are college professors, doctors, and business leaders. There’s no reason to cast aspersions on all blondes.”
The ventriloquist said, “Gee, I’m sorry if you were offended with that joke. It was all in fun, and not meant to be taken seriously.”
The blonde responded, “I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee.”