A gentleman and his wife had just finished their meal at an upscale Italian restaurant. When the waiter approached with the check, the gentleman said to the waiter, “You know, the cheeses on this lasagna was even better that what we were served when we were in Italy.”
The waiter answered, “Of course, over there they served local cheeses, here we use imported.”

A minister with a special health related ability, encouraged his congregation to ask for help for any conditions they might have after the service was completed.
At the conclusion of the service, he told those with a need for help to line up in the center aisle, and he would take them in order.
The first in line was a 19 year old young man. When asked by the minister in what area he needed help, the young man said he was concerned about his hearing.
At that, the minister began a prayer, and then put his hands over the young man’s ears and prayed fervently. Then he placed his hands on his head and said more prayers.
After a few more minutes of special healing prayers, the minister asked, “How is your hearing now?”
The young man answered, “I don’t know. It’s not until next Wednesday at 3 O’clock.”

The committee met to discuss the condition of the church.
“I think the church needs a face lift,” said one member, “and we should start with a fresh white washing.”
“I agree, but we’ll need a lot of help,” said another.
“I’ll round up a bunch of volunteers,” said another, “and I think I can get enough helpers.”
So, it was arranged, the white wash was purchased, and a volunteer crew with brushes were all set to go.
But, as they brushed on the paint, they noticed that they were going to run out of white wash before they were finished, so it was ordered to add water to the paint, and continue working. Now there should be enough to finish the job.
But, when they were finished, a heavy rainstorm flushed the walls of the church, and most of the white wash was rinsed away.
“The workers all looked up to the sky, and in unison said, “What do we do now?”
A voice came thundering out of the heavens and said, “Repaint you Thinners, and Thin no more.”

A man decided to go ice fishing.
He brought all of the paraphernalia need, a fishing pole and line, a hatchet, a bucket, and all. But, just as he brought the hatchet up to cut a hole in the ice, there was a voice from above, “There are no fish in these waters” said the voice.
So, he thought a minute, and decided to go for it, brought the hatchet up, when the voice came back. “There are no fish in these waters,” said the voice.
So the man looked up and said, “Who are you? Are you God?”
The voice answered, “I am the caretaker of this ice skating arena.”

A business man ordered a lot of canaries from a merchant in another land to be delivered by ship.
When the ship landed, the man was notified, and when he arrived at the docks he saw them all piled up in wooden cages along the wharf.
Walking along the cages, he noted that there wasn’t much singing going on, in fact, he didn’t hear a peep out of any of them.
Thinking, “Oh my goodness, I won’t be able to sell these if they don’t sing.” So he went into a nearby warehouse and talked to the owner about buying them at 5 or 10cents on the dollar.
After the birds were all in the warehouse and nicely arranged on shelves, there appeared in a newspaper a full page ad saying, “For Sale, Imported Canaries at $10 each.” It also added more descriptions as to their beauty and where the sale was going to be held, at the warehouse.
On the day of the sale, the owner hooked up a speaker system with a recording playing of lots of birds chirping away, and the sales were brisk. At the end, all the birds were sold.
While the owner was counting his receipts, there was a heavy pounding on his office door. When he opened the door, a big man holding bird in his hand walked in and said, “I bought this bird this afternoon.”
The owner interrupted him and said, “I see you did sir, but tell me did you get one of the singers or one of the dancers?

This gorilla goes into a bar, and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender asks, “What’ll you have?”
The gorilla says he wants a bourbon and 7, and puts down a $20 bill.
The barman takes the $20 and returns with the drink and thinking that the gorilla wouldn’t know the difference, returned only $2 in change.
The gorilla sips the drink while barman, not having much else going on, stood nearby. Then the bar guy says to the gorilla, “You know, we hardly ever get a gorilla in here.”
The gorilla answered, “I’m not surprised at $18 a drink.”

A women went in to visit a fortune teller.
As the crystal ball shown bright and the seer kept moaning, she finally turned to her visitor and talked about what she learned.
“Your husband will meet disaster, and will die a horrible death. Prepare yourself, my dear.
The woman thought for a moment and then said, “Will I be convicted?”

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. “Gosh, I’d really like to help you…” He told the warden, “but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place!”

A man visiting a doctor at his office was told to wait in room 3 until the doctor was free to see him.
When the doctor came into the room ,he asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man answered, “Nothing, really, you see, I’m dead.”
The surprised doctor replied, “I am surprised to hear that,” as he slyly reached for a needle.
Then the doctor said, “You know,dead people don’t bleed,” and with that he poked the needle into a vessel in his hand. Needless to say, blood began spurting out.
The man looked at the spurting blood and said, “How about that?? Dead people do bleed.”

One day on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills, a homeless man approached a stylish Beverly Hills Matron and
said, “Hey, Lady. I haven’t eaten for 3 days.”
The woman looked at the man and said, “Jeeze, I sure wish I had your willpower.”